No Poultry, Guaranteed [Doc Genzo]

As the orange sun set over Darunia, the peace and quiet of the sizable port town grew heated and excitable once more. Done with her steaming hot tea, a long-lived Kokiri turned her head up at an oversized portrait of an Octorok on her mantle. Although there had been many hardships for her -even in the past month alone- she wanted to exchange a quiet sleepy night in her quarters for an energetic outing with the nightlife. She hastily put away her tea-time dress and changed into her new favorite outfit, a gleaming gown made out of the materials for Golden Armor. The vain little troublemaker couldn't just save it to be used as actual armor, she fully intended to show it off to anyone who could see her.

Evelyn clopped down the cobbled streets, skipping all along the way. Her ordinary appearance in this town was accepted at this point, but she was containing an urge to announce her presence. It was at the moment she saw people gathering for a show at a nearby tavern that she finally let go and starting clapping her boots loudly against the ground. A nearby pair of Deku Scrubs started whispering to each other. A third bystander got a jolt up his spine, the Zora turned his head as he overheard the Deku. "She's here?!" he alighted to the crowd. Most of them turned their eyes to each other or at least away from the Kokiri. She wasn't exactly famous in this town but the locals kept in mind that her enthusiastic presence was going to take up a whole table at the show.

Two middle-aged Hylian sailors watched as she hastily grabbed a seat at their table. One wiped his face as if it had instantly become sweaty, as the other joined in to facepalm along. Beaming already, Evelyn's wide smile indicated to the sailors that they would either have to stay and put up with her or take their chances with finding an open pair of seats. It was almost too convenient, that the cost of entry was so low this time. Just what were they paying those poor actors? A knowing barhand made her way over to the table. A lovingly filled pair of pints landed snugly in front of the sailors. The barhand's eyes turned to the girl.

"You're not going to drink milk this time either?" she sighed, lowering her shoulders. "What'll it be then?"

"One apple juice!" she delighted, a black-gloved hand waving in the air as if she was hailing a school teacher.

It was not long before the show started, and Eve's eyes locked onto the makeshift stage. The singing, and the back-and-forth about paying rent, excited some and left others buried in their ales. Eve was practically jumping out of her seat with excitement. She was bouncing about, fawning and clapping at inappropriate times. Somewhere in the middle of the show, the girl was entrenched in the Landlady character and plopped down a book full of blank white pages. She started drawing a really shitty picture of the landlady in brightly colored crayons.

When the show finally ended, she packed up her book and scooted off to the back where she could see Ruairi heading off to clean up for the night. Eve sped over, pulling open and spreading wide her book of crayon drawings. The gaudy colors lit up the hallway.

"W-wait! I want yer autograph!" she yelped, hopping up and down. The haphazard picture was sure to illicit a little more out of the elegant Rito.

Ruairi was dangerously close to realizing the creature in front of him was an unhinged little grandma acting like a child. Her little round, cocked head beamed up at the awkwardly smiling Rito. It was of course, a mere moment as she combined all the things he had just said together to come up with an appropriate response.

"Late? No way. 'N I only have crayons. . ." she stammered, scanning the performer up and down.

The Kokiri stopped, it looked like she was rummaging through her stylish Adventure Pouch for something to write with, but it wasn't so simple. For her entire bedroom wall was plastered thick with pictographs and drawings of singers, performers, and dancers of all types. She fully intended to make a donation to her new favorite talent. Eve's hand skidded around in the bag, there were flat empty spots where her fingers were running. As if something should be there. Her arm came to a screeching halt as she looked back up at the diva divine.

"Shit on a racehorse! I'm outta rupees t' give ya. I need to find another dungeon to ransack." she spouted incessantly.

It was like some sort of inspiring revelation all at once. If neither of these two were getting paid, it was only by providence of the gods that they have buried riches to plunder somewhere else, and hopefully soon. If this kid was talking about going into the depths of a dungeon as an offhand aside to her normal conversation, pillaging temples was probably a daily occurrence for her. The truth was, she did have extra treasure hoarded somewhere. But for her to have green pocket rupees to hand out to performers, she made regular trips into dangerous territory. Something about those pieces of gold and jewels made them off limits for selling.

Even then, a large black crayon poked out of her hand and waved in the air. . . she still wanted that autograph.

Right as she played along and was about to show him where to sign, she recoiled and stopped. Her hand snapped back and the big crayon sunk with it. She pouted and puffed up her cheeks.

"Wait, did you say parents?! Didja? I'm the Kokiri that could be yer grandma's grandma. Just don't tell any of these people or they'll offer me their smelly alcohol, yuck!" Eve snapped, sticking a hand on her hip.

She flopped the book back up, pointing to her embarrassing drawing of the Rito.

"N' dungeons is just dungeons. Like the place you go to get rich! You wanna be RICH right?" she changed the subject.

Now she was rudely and incessantly tapping the horrific picture. It was too terrible to describe with words. The only way to identify the person drawn on the page was mostly the matching colors. However, the figure was surrounded by hearts and sparkles as if this kid really adored the Rito's performance. With her rough speech and crude actions, it was probably hard to trust anything she was saying, however. She looked like she could probably talk about dungeons and surviving their innards well into the night and until the sun came back around.

The Kokiri absorbed his last question as she stood there flailing. She might have been about to talk to him about her dangerous adventures with strange and unusual people, but that could remain unsaid for at least several days. She did really want to tell him about Wollo, though. The Octorok paragon is never truly out of room for praise. She let go of that thought quickly though, as she had to answer him.

"Met a lotta' Kokiri wifout fairies. I tried to find out why too, usually they blame the fairy or the Deku Tree." she trailed off trying to think of why in all of Hyrule the other members of her race were running around without tiny fairies.

"Oh! I have one though and she's really energetic. Lil' Alice is taking a break from adventure though I think her last couple took the energy out of her. She's been in a tiny rocking chair in my house ever since. I don't want to bovver her." Evelyn driveled at the unusually patient Rito.

"Waittaminute! Don't you wanna come with me to a dungeon? Gotta buy more clothes, right? Even the sailors sitting next to me noticed those weren't real costumes." she interjected, trying to come up with a hook to help this poor guy out. ". . . I can't go with someone else, I haven't seen the other guys in months." she added, her pouty sad face returning.

Eve pondered what he was asking about dungeons, and she was honestly glad he had questions about it. She hadn't been able to find someone to go with after that Hylian left without a word or even the slightest goodbye. Well, that and the Great Fairy she had accidentally made friends with being in the way of her spending time with Rika and Wollo.

"Would be pretty inconvenient to be honest. But this town has a port with ships, and the sea is fulla unexplored tombs. Matter-a-fact, probably more than the landlubbers can even get to. The fishing vessels pass islands on their path so gettin' let off on a spooky unexplored island is a pretty common occurrence. Just seems like we hafta build yer courage. We could even set one up for tomorrow ifya want! Ships will always drop people off for a fee, I'll pay 'em in those round golden things I keep finding." the Kokiri rambled, unaware the poor man didn't know if she was just a Hylian child or something.

"Eh, sounds like a deal! At least until that Red kid comes back, we can refill our bank accounts! First thing tomorrow, meet me at pier 13 it has a big painted sign." she rambled at the Rito.

"That reminds me." Eve gestured to herself. "I should probably check in on my fairy." she mumbled.

"Goodnight my dear! First thing tomorrow!" she repeated, sidling away.

Waiting for his response, of course, she finally made her way out of the tavern. It was shockingly late for how many plans she had to execute at her house. The Kokiri wasn't skipping home either. Within minutes, a boot was slamming open the door to the cottage. The solid wooden door smashed against the siding with an ear-aching bang.

"ALICE I'M HOME." she yelled into the mostly-empty house.

Instead of a response like "don't wake the neighbors" or something a real person would say, there was silence. Eve trashed open one of her drawers near the kitchen and massaged out a crystal-clear pictograph frame. She slid open the backing and filled the opening with her signed crayon drawing of Ruairi in a dress with chest padding. The chest looked like two gigantic circles traced over and over with black crayon. She poured over the delicate signature. Eve knocked down a painting of a bell pepper and replaced the open spot with the crayon drawing.

Next, she hustled to a crooked trapdoor on the flooring and opened it to a glistening glow of metal in the candlelight. The dulled and old coins were shoveled into a small pouch and planted firmly on her teatable. She rushed over to the windowsill where a miniature rocking chair creaked next to a pot of flowers on a small decorative table. Two large moth-like wings poked out of the chair in the color of old meat, though it flickered neon pink now and then.

"You're still awake huh." she whispered toward the table.

A voice came from behind the chair, a sort of creaking, whistling girlish voice. "It starts with the prickly one. The heart of darkness, oozing with spite. They wanted revenge for what happened. The place of tornadoes and howling laughter leads to the backwards place. The voices behind the walls. The giant in armor waits there, to crush everyone."

"It's way past your bedtime Alice just lay down." she whispered to the chair.

The little winged figure fluttered out of the chair, flipped in the air and twisted around like a drunk acrobat. The little pink figure vanished into the door of a dollhouse and creeped under the sheets of a tiny bed. Eve wiped sweat off her brow. Maybe it wasn't a good time to bring her on an adventure yet. The poor little fairy wouldn't stop talking about the Armored Man. Eve's immediate thought was Julius, but he wasn't the twisted and dangerous character the fairy kept describing. Evelyn had long ago dismissed the fairy's madness but her focus on one character was worrying to the Kokiri.

Eve opened her bedroom door, which was signified by an antlered animal skull hanging in the center. The door was defaced by a crayon, depicting the words "sHerif's Room." She clicked together a bunch of latches and locks, finishing the ritual to get her door secure. At her vanity table, Eve started removing her makeup. It practically came off in layers. She stared intently at the dark circles under her eyes, which she usually hid under eyeshadow anyway. The sleepless look it gave her reminded her that it was time to hit the hay. Now in a nightgown with a picture of a pig embroidered on it, Eve hopped onto her bed. On the night table was a big glass bottle with a skull and crossbones on it. She took a swig of the strong liquid and fell back onto the pillow with her eye sockets still wide open. She was sound asleep in seconds.

Drool stained the sheets of Evelyn's bed. Her neck jerked upright and she smeared the liquid with the back of her wrist as she tried to figure out what time it was. How bothersome, it was overcast. She bounced up on her bed and looked at her Cucco Clock. Gears and springs were protruding from the sides, looks like she smashed it out of frustration a few days ago. Eve picked at a glass of water on the table, the water was fuzzy and stagnant. She forgot to put her eyes away before going to sleep. She was better off, as the water was filthy.

Eve remembered Ruairi talking about going on vacation. So, before preparing her entire outfit for the day, she set aside materials for her Transform Ego spell. She designed an outfit using the tall mirror on her closet door. It was a little crude but she wanted to make sure it was ready for later. With her final steps she got into her armored dress and boots, making sure they were cleaned off enough to last the trip. Soon she was knocking on the dollhouse in the main room of the house.

"Alice! Wake up it's Picking Day!" she commanded the Tiny Fairy. The pink fairy was tasked with picking an entire row of grown carrots in the garden with her bare hands. It was mostly to give her something to do so that she would remain somewhat healthy. Eve snatched up the sack of coins from the tea table and shoved open the now-loose front door.

Making her way to the waterfront, Eve passed by a lot of shady early morning characters. She hopped down the steps through a treeline and past some stray animals. There was a lot of downward movement to get to the water as things tended to be. She spotted the boarded pathway which led to the piers. She walked past some sailors on the way north to the 13th pier. She found Ruairi in boots in front of a familiar sign. Two major piers split off from where the sign was, it boasted two arrows pointing down each one. It read <- 13A and 13B -> in a pretty understandable way. One of the piers- 13A was guarded by a tall Deku Scrub. He was wearing a necktie with pinstripes and had some kind of sword strapped to his back. His arms were folded in front of himself and his face was permanently saying he was disinterested in people's shit. Some kind of shady organization was in charge of roughly half the docks area, almost arbitrarily so.

"Rito-person! You made it today!" she waved, looking much the way she did the night before.

"My name's Evelyn, or just Eve." she imposed while shaking her bag of coins.

She turned, and eyed the Deku Scrub warily. She didn't want to point out her own mistake but it did look like, for all intents and purposes that they were probably meant to go down the pier that wasn't blocked. . . or were they?

"Oh yeah, that's my fault I think." she held a hand to her chin and thought about it.

"It's all here friend! Read 'em and weep." she gestured to the Deku Scrub. He didn't budge.

Evelyn walked over and jangled around the sack of metal. She smiled at the Deku Scrub who was practically the same height as her. The corners of her mouth curved up into a little "V" shape as her weird eyes locked onto the gangster's face. The Scrub's hand finally twisted out from his other arm and held the sack of coins.

"These ain't rupees." he grunted.

"Yeah but, but but but." she started, clenching her little fists in front of herself. "You can trade them for a lotta rupees. The guy who trades them doesn't get here 'til midweek."

The Deku Scrub sighed and stepped aside. "Just go." he hastily murmured. The pier led to a number of different boats, though most of them were unused. A vessel surrounded by sailors and fishermen hauling rope and preparing castoff was near the end of the pier. About five sailors were lifting unmarked barrels and placing them in an unassuming spot on the pier. After seeing that guard-like fellow, it wasn't too hard to guess these sailors were hiding something. Suddenly, two of the sailors from the Tavern last night stepped aside.

"Apple juice." one of them muttered with his face contorted. "This is who we're picking up?" the other one protested.

Evelyn dug through her Adventure Pouch and pulled out a full piece of parchment. It looked like a big, complicated document but it was written entirely in crayon.

"Fuck's this supposed to be." the sailor erupted. "We're supposed to ferry people but I think I take exception to this." the other muttered, dragging his fingers across his face.

They noticed Ruairi nearby, and remembered both of them from the previous night. They two whispered to each other when they saw the Rito. It looked like they were trying desperately to decide whether the passengers were worth it.

"Aw, treasures." she shook her bag and looked up at Ruairi. "This wannae part o' the plan." she mumbled, frustrated.

She knew someone on the boat knew who she was or she wouldn't have been confident in coming today. However, these two sailors weren't going to just let her pass. She dug around her bag for something shiny. A crystal bottle emerged from the heart-shaped flap. It was completely filled with something dark and red.

"How 'bout this Red Potion?" she shoved the bottle toward one of the sailors.

"Ain't potions, uh, redder than this?" the sailor refused, confused.

"Look buddy I paid the fare." she whined, shaking the bottle around. The sticky red substance moved like molasses in the jar.

Eve dropped the bottle back in her pouch and turned her attention back to the paper. It was complicated to say the least. So many words may not have even been in her vocabulary. It had some kind of wax seal on the end too, like some sort of marked scroll or letter. One thing was absolutely clear, this little weirdo spent an enormous amount of time on it.

"This paper says..." she trailed off, looking at it again. "Wait a minute."

She pulled a thick book out of her Adventure Pouch. The Book of Mudora flapped open, its secrets exposed to the world. She found a page something like eighty or so pages deep. Her finger ran over the words and she thought very hard to herself.

"It says 'disclosure' on there." Eve started, reading over the word a couple times. "It's a non-disclosure agreement."

The air was thick with silence as she uttered that last part. What kind of horrendous nonsense was this girl up to? She bent her mouth up once again into the most arrogant looking smile. Rika told her all about documents and legal agreements, a really bad mistake on his part. Her nose turned up, she began to explain the travesty.

"I don't tell anyone about this, obviously. But you all can't tell anyone where I'm going or why. This incredible celebrity with me is included in that. It's a basic mutual contract. I know Wilson will vouch for me." she boasted, looking up at the sailors.

"Bullshit you don't know Wilson, you're a kid." the taller of the two sailors pointed out.

"No! No! Wilson's dad worked for me, I'm a Kokiri who used to sail this port." she blathered, flailing an arm in the direction of the stack of barrels.

The shorter sailor clapped his hands together as if he'd solved some kind of mystery. Earlier in the century there was a major ban on certain materials. Back when the Royal Family had political control over Hyrule, many of the regulations were unusually strict. The seas were all filthy with pirates and smugglers back then, to an unnatural degree compared to their little operation. That Kokiri wasn't dressed like a real sailor, but the stories all matched and added up in that moment.

"Fine, I'll buy your story. But why does someone as old as you act like such a miserable little whelp?! Yer a real barnacle kid." he railed.

The other sailor spoke up. "Yeh paid, 'n there's the both of ya. Just get on the ship and I'll talk to Wilson later. Over a hard drink most like." he spat, sneering to the clouded sky.

A pirate? This annoying brat was a pirate?

In that moment as they nestled into their seats on the boat, Eve absorbed Ruairi's question and tried to remember her own life story. It was no use, she didn't remember much of it. The important thing was her relation to these people, anyway.

"Lotsa adventure people run around, but I prefer boats." she started, thinking about their situation. "Used ta smuggle stuff for people but that was over. . ." she counted years on her fingers, one by one. "At least over fifty years ago."

She took out her blank paper and started drawing. She drew a picture of a boat with billowing sails. Then in the picture was something that looked like herself in a green outfit with a big anchor. She thought to herself for a bit, for such a selfish and impatient person she actually didn't know much about herself.

"Before the whole Ganon thing, we just got rich off tradin' stuff and sinkin' each other's ships." she admitted, remembering a large group of tough pirates at once.

"Don't get me wrong though. It's mostly good luck I didn't fall in the water 'n drown." she added, sullenly.

As she spoke and explained, the ropes were being hoisted. The ship was mostly ready to sail before they got in a spat with the crew. Had she talked to someone on the boat already? Neither of the adventurers had discussed where they were being dropped off at all. The ship's captain had something in mind for the two. His sailors were explaining the presence of a certain Kokiri. His first mate, this "Wilson" fellow was standing by silently. The captain wasn't happy about it, but he was paid well by the little runt every time he brought her somewhere dangerous. She had previously explained a variety of exploits involving a prominent Hylian Guard and their liberation of island populations from some menagerie of monsters. He wasn't going to split hairs, this made their entire operation look legitimate. He did question thoroughly the absence of the Guard Captain but his best explanation was that the guy was extremely busy. Poor man was probably stapled to a desk somewhere sorting legal documents.

Once on course, the ship's captain left the helm and excused himself through a small crowd of fishermen. He worked his way over to the two mismatched adventurers. His beard hung down like the end of a sharpened pencil. His understated hat put his face in shadow under the cloudy sky.

"Evelyn, m- sir. . ." he stuttered, examining the poshly dressed Rito boy. "This brazen little one probably didn't explain everything. I'm under orders of Captain Surgate to drop her off. Among my 'fishing' operation it really lines my pockets. I was under the impression that old codger was morally lacking, to trust our crew and also to send the little one by herself. I'm actually overjoyed you're accompanying her. No offense little princess but I don't exactly trust you alone doing anything." he droned, slapping her with that comment at the end.

"Uncalled for! Julie trusts me. See?" she argued with the sea dog.

Eve lifted up the sheet of paper with all the nonsensical writing on it. There was a red wax seal on the end where it was originally rolled together. The wax seal gleamed as she thrust it up toward his face.

"That seal means nothin' lass. He probably gave you the stamper to play with like a toy." the captain grunted, looking down.