Watch Your Wallet

Striding down the street through the busy weekend rush was a Mad Scrub. There was an itch on his head, so he ran about under the legs of the tall races, scratching his scalp all the while. He bumped into a bald guy at this one part because he heard shouting. Then, he looked over to see, not a big obnoxious man, but a deku scrub. She was dressed in simple clothes but he could tell she was female. He just could okay. This is science I'm not explaining this.

So by the smell of her plant biology he followed the mesmerizing sound of her voice and her smell also? Then he walked up to her, and thought to himself. "This could be good for business" he thought. He went to the short-haired deku scrub. He thought, in his brilliant mind, that she could benefit from a good haircut. With that thought in mind, he approached her.

"So, you're a deku too. Want a haircut?" he smoothly asserted.

Yeah, he liked planning to steal from people, but this sentiment wasn't at all related to the situation.

"Nope." the Mad Scrub said plainly in response.

He reached into his pouch and slipped out a poster. He slid his hand down the scroll and flattened it so that Wiki could see the entire thing. He pointed to the words on the sheet, not entirely knowing if she could read this particular dialect. He was somewhat confident that she would be impressed, since if she didn't want a trim she may be interested in his other services.

"How about that? A color treatment for those verdant locks? Maybe instead you would like to play a game? I want to play a game." he babbled in total ignorance of his surroundings.

Billy did however notice the card game they were playing. Ah yes, a game. Maybe even too much of a gamble. He thought to himself. Would he rather turn Wiki's hair from evergreen to olive, or would he rather join this nutter in liberating funds from the Hyrulean public? She was already replying to him, but he was lost in thought.

"Yes. . . what you are doing is more profitable." he mumbled. "Those abusive aristocrats. . ."

Billy gasped in shock. She knows I am drunk. Was it the smell of blue comb juice on my breath?

"I didn't drank the blue comb juice. Let's play a game. I want to play a game change the subject."

Billy drew his hand. It was blurry but he could barely see the outcome. It was a twenty-four hand. Billy's eyes went solemn. No, it couldn't be. Nobody had ever beaten Billy at Blackjack. Actually, Billy was too drunk to notice that not only was it easy to lose at Blackjack, but he had probably never won a game in his life.

"Oh whoops I only. . . *hic* have ten rupees. Nope."

He rubbed his hands together. What a time to be young and naive. What was he doing, staring at those cards. Something was off about him. He continued to rub his hands.

"My what a cold night, I better get something to warm my hands."

He reached into his pouch slowly. Billy faltered his speech. He pulled out his closed fist. With a flick of his wrist, he smacked a Deku Nut to the floor.

"Haha! You'll never catch- OW!" he shouted wildly. In his drunkness, he blasted himself in the eyes with the flash of his nut. He wobbled over as the flash stunned him, ringing and stinging on top of his intoxication. Needless to say he fell on his ass.

"Guide my braid then, comrade. Blade. I meant blade." he stifled as he tripped himself off the ground. With her hand, the kid made it back onto his feet.

She'll give me a cut. Billy mused to himself. He loved giving cuts, and he wasn't in much of a position to refuse. He'd lied to her after all. There was no free pat of aftershave. He'd drank it all in despair earlier. Nobody wanted a haircut from an insane little monster. While normally he would have leapt into an open window at the first sign of trouble, it seemed he was in the vulnerable kind of position where something like that couldn't even happen. He'd just have to sober up on the way to his new mission. Not likely though, after swallowing that blue shit.

"Ayyy wot? Just say me when and I'll come with." he mumbled tipsily as he helped pick up the cards.

"'Course I can do magic, sisner! Have a watch at this:" he began with a startling new glow in his eyes. He reached his hands together in focus.

The branchy hands clasped in unison, but it wasn't certain at first what he was doing. Soon, he folded his index finger over his thumb and then clasped his other thumb into his palm. He began to pull at his hand in a gesture that indicated he was removing his thumb from the other hand. Billy excitedly clicked his heels together in pride at his stunt.

"Ehh? Ehhhh? Magiiic!" he hiccuped at the magic scrub.

Needless to say, he wasn't letting any magic-smelling dog smell anything but corrosive tool cleaner on his breath. He seemed fully interested in helping out, and waaaay too drunk to think about what he was about to do. He'd be maybe a good distraction, or his sneaking skills might come in handy if nobody important was around to watch him when he slipped up. One way or another, something was going to happen this night if Billy was left to his designs.

Billy choked as the spell activated. A small wad of blue coughed out of his snout. The lights of the torches in the street became brighter as he quickly became sober. Everything around him from the buildings to the people went from blurry to crystal clear before his eyes. He looked at his hand, the detail in the smooth wood showing cracks and imperfections as if reality had become a magnifying glass. With his returned focus and a final cough he stood straight.

"Right. Never mind the bollocks, I'm in. I'm never drinking the scissor cleaner again. Not having any jobs really sets a guy on fire. Let's just go and we can try to forget about it." Billy nervously added as he took back to his sea-legs.

Billy checked himself for equipment. In his previous state he didn't actually make sure he was ready. It looked like his ropes and pouches were still secured to his legs and back. That meant he had all his bells and whistles, but... a quick check confirmed his battered shear blade was still fastened to his back. It was going to be a long night. Billy started after Wiki to whatever ungodly nest egg they were after.

Billy crossed his arms. This part of town had a surprisingly low number of floors for a heist. Billy wondered briefly if maybe the treasure they were finding was a huge secret: a true nest egg. He wanted to justify what he was about to do in any way he could, but he sincerely wasn't sure what he was doing was right. Seeing that the Wiki before him needed his help getting in changed his mind, however. He wasn't a mind-reader but it looked like she didn't want to be caught red-handed having blown into this place with magic. That would explain her little examination before...

Billy very quickly hatched a plan for this little game of his. He could always smash the window himself and risk taking the fall for his elder's schemes. But, if he could open the window without making a scene... his idea could work. Billy noted his two main tools. A feather and a rope, normally not very useful. But Billy's IQ happened to be freakishly higher than your average Octorok. He noted the window's lock being on the inside, but the shape of the metal frame outside being petaled like a lace doily. The solution was actually pretty simple.

Billy launched himself into the air with his Roc's Feather, reaching a distance several times his own height and nearly the full eight feet to the window's frame. As he slowly rotated in the air, he forcefully looped an end of his Cheval Rope into the window frame. This was the moment he needed. He twisted the loop of rope so that two ends were in his grip. As he fell back down, an arch of unbreakable rope snared the entire window frame and pulled with the full weight of his body and downward momentum of his leap. That was what he had wanted, to shatter this puzzle as if it were a mere kids' toy. The rectangular frame creaked as Billy violently flopped down on the tightening rope.

There was a snap, while loud it was not nearly as loud as the suddenly shattering glass would have been from inside the home. The frame flopped and ripped off of its internal bearing. Billy's eyes widened as large panes of glass quickly dropped over his head. With his arms braced for the impact he poorly deflected the window onto the ground while taking a painful hit. The window did break as it slid to the stone alleyway, but not in such a violent manner as it would have without its fall broken by Billy's face. As such, it fractured into enough pieces to count on your hands if you wanted. These pieces continued to slide as Billy made a pained moan and curled up on the road.

Billy shuddered as he lifted himself to his feet. His top-heavy form made him teeter in his dizziness. With Wiki's... assurance(?) Billy quickly snapped back to task. Right into the window it was, then. Billy hustled back into position and leapt a nasty height with his Roc's Feather. Like a cannon-powered volleyball, Billy shot through the empty windowsill.

Billy flopped onto the floor of the home, rolling into the bed right by the presumed night stand. With his head propped against the bed frame, he remembered the very real dog that was barking before. The giddy little terrier hung out a floppy tongue to cool off. Sinister. These dogs were notorious for their conduct in Hyrule's cities. Upon spotting a short Deku Scrub, packs of these beasts would give chase. While barking loudly, the fastest mutt would pounce their victim. This is what Billy expected, anyway. Dogs just like to chase small, fast things. It wasn't their fault exactly that a Deku might be shaken down and have his leaves removed. The terrier playfully yipped at Billy's increasingly harrowed face.

Billy whipped around, keeping focused on the mission. All he had to do was take the journal, no confrontations necessary. Billy eased his face up as he turned to the drawer. His hand froze as he held it to the knob. Something entered the corner of his eye. There was a round clay pot on the floor in the corner. The unassuming furniture stared back at him menacingly. Pots, the only thing more soulless and dangerous than dogs! He had to do something before the pottery went in for the killing blow. Billy grabbed the pot and threw it across the room so that it couldn't begin levitating toward his head like usual. Screaming like a little girl, Billy hurled the vile pot unexpectedly into the terrier. With a gentle thud it bounced off the dog's head.

The terrier toppled over, now out cold. The pot collided with the floor and shattered into harmless bits. Billy crincged back onto the bed and held on for dear life. This adventure stuff was such a rush, and way dangerous. His attention faded from his near-death experience to the floor again. There was a small pile of green rupees in the various gibs of the pot. The robbery had truly begun. Billy bounded to the floor to stash the precious loot in his bag. This gave Billy the perfect idea. If the total homicidal jerk who owned this house was going to set such malicious traps, it was up to Billy to retaliate. He was suddenly fired up to take this place apart by the hinges.

With no hesitation, he shoved open the bedside drawer. The Mad Scrub's eyes lit up as he spotted the journal. Along with. . . some kind of small badge. The badge probably would never be important again so Billy ignored it. He held the journal tightly, wondering what could be inside. Billy raced to the window to drop it down to Wiki.

"So sorry for the wait! I bumbled up but I have the goods." Billy relayed down to the street.
"I'm going back for more 'kay bye." he added before sprinting off.

Billy quickly set his sights on a sack of grain, which he promptly poured out all over the floor. With the grain sack in hand, he set his sights on the silverware.

"We. . . we aren't here to really rob him, are we? Oh. . . shit. Dude's rich, I'm still taking his silverware." Billy answered as he continued stuffing the canvas sack with utensils.

Billy knew his ambition would go to waste if this rich guy was let off without a slap on the wrist. Billy could easily load the sack with valuables to distribute out to the poor without a second thought. He swept a few more stray rupees into the bag. If the house owner had evidence of why they broke in, it would probably cover his tracks. Besides, this awful bastard was responsible for keeping yet another vicious terrier on the streets where it could chase more innocent Deku Scrubs. That's just more oppression waiting to show its ugly head.

"Don't worry Sarge. With my help, nobody will ever find out who broke this guy's window. Also a bunch of other stuff. The gods will be pleased this day!" he finished as he hobbled over to the window with the jingling bag. He heaved the bag onto the side-table so he could let his accomplice get a word in.

"Oh you know boss, Silverware mostly. A few potatoes. Rich fellas are always hogging all the spuds! How's this by the by? I'm getting my leaves all on this book." he replied heartily.

He shook his browned leaves all over the thing, making it smell like Autumn. Without question he didn't smell even close to Wiki. A spark of inquiry appeared in his eyes. He was... putting the book back? Billy began to feel vertigo. This Deku Scrub was leading him on, pulling his leg. But to what end? She seemed to care about this man more than she let on.

While normally he would have felt completely betrayed, Billy caught on. She was reading his diary because she had feelings for this man. Billy's eyes filled with joy. He placed the book poorly back in its place to keep up the ruse that they were robbing him. Yeah. . . they weren't really robbing the owner. Delicious potatoes, Billy couldn't stop thinking about them. His flower perked up as he got ready to jump out the window. Potato~ potato~

He slid down the rope into the alleyway, quickly forgetting his revelation over the dancing potatoes in his head. So what if this lady liked the guy? Billy couldn't interfere. Besides that, once his perpetual hunger was gone he could finally get back to real barber gigs. So the subject of the potatoes came back in full force. . . it was going to be a long night.