Crashing a Funeral

Crashing A Funeral
OOC Thread

Cecil tunneled through the ground below what should have been the outskirts of a bustling city. He supposed he could have simply traveled there without burrowing, but after so many years underground that seemed rather uncomfortable. Even though he spent more time than average standing than others among the mogma people, on account of making bombs, he still was unsteady without lying down. The mole people were incredibly adept at their home, but at other things... not so much. But he would go up topside anyway. Maybe if he was lucky he'd find more ways to do his job.

He started digging straight up, taking cover to adjust himself so the dirt wouldn't get too bad in his tiny eyes, heading up.

Aaaand up he went. He was, indeed, in the outskirts, he noted as he darted up... Right up into the waiting foot of some poor guy above him. "Aw, geez, fella," he started, looking up, "I didn't mean ta do that. I'm sorry."

The guy seemed less than satisfied. "Wh--you! What are you?"

Before answering, Cecil looked about him. All these dudes were standing on two feet, crazy, and they were all hairless but for the top of their heads. There were a bunch of people, and all of them looked mighty serious. They had this look in their eyes saying they were not kidding, except for one poor sap who looked scared out of his wits.

And this other guy who looked a touch annoyed. "What? Ain'tcha never seen a mole man before?" the mogma asked, before finding a sword in his face. He didn't see many of those below but he would bet that it wasn't a friendly gesture to shove an elongated piece of steel in one's face.

"Well, hold on now," he started, reaching into his pack. "Maybe I can make it up to you? I found some nice rupees coming in here..." He brought out another, smaller bag. He figured this would be it... He reached into it and fished around. But instead... he found something round in it. He fondled the object further and froze. There was a wick coming off of it. He had plucked out the bomb bag and not the rupee pouch. Darned things.

"If you're gonna do something..." The hylian man growled threateningly, "then do it!" He pulled the mogma's hand out of the bag... bomb and all.

"Ya dummy, what're ya doin'?!" Cecil threw it far away from him in reflex. It sailed high into the air... and came down right into a crowd of the other fellows.

The result was not pretty.

Grimacing, the mogma glowered up at the man above him. "Well, now, son, that was something you oughtn'ta done." That was a massive understatement, and he had a few more choice words for him but the guy was clearly rattled after that. And most of the rest had fled the scene, figuring that it was simply not worth the trouble. He, the guy above him, and the one who was scared even before were all that was left.

He broke away from the mole-man. "Gah!" He looked about to run but another voice rang out.

"Wait!" cried the frightened one. He was rather rotund and red curls crowned his head. "I'll pay you... I'll pay you double whatever you're getting paid now to tell your employer I died in that blast."

The man nodded slowly as a bag was tossed his way. He scampered off shortly after.

The man with red ringlets turned to Cecil. "Ah, thank you. Even if you didn't mean to, you saved me. I am Gilbert of house Coghlain. And you are?"

"Uhh, I'm Cecil Droves... of the underground?"

The red-headed man laughed. "Well, thank you Cecil. May I ask for your help in another matter?"

The mogma shrugged. Why not? "Well, sure, Mr. Gil."

"Oh, good. You see, those men were after my life... I'd like you to guard me and keep me safe until I can find out who they worked for."

"Ehh..." Cecil trailed off. "Well, I'm mainly just good at diggin' or blowing things up, but okay."

"Splendid! Here, here, let's go to--" he stopped. Going back into the city would be a stupendously bad idea.

"Ah, well, we'll go to my country villa. It's not far from here."

"'kay. So if I understand ya'll right... we're lost."

Five male Mogmas crawled a foot backwards in the tunnels as their leader concluded this from the map in her claws and the talking behind her. When she turned around, their fears were confirmed. Molly was not happy. "Why's it I still put up with the lot of ya? Can't even read a proper map, fer Din's sake!" The earth shook with her anger, making the men crawl back even further.

Well didn't this just suck. Now how were they going to get into Lon Lon Ranch for their job contract? "I'm too young to put up with this blinshit," Molly muttered as she idly scratched the dirt above her head. "I'll just go up and take a look at where we're at. Don't move from here, ya'll would lose yer heads if they weren't attached to yer rump." With those words, she punched her left claw into the dirt above her. It was kind of hard ground, but that was what the Mole Mitts were for. Seconds after the first punch, the female Mogma had dug her way up through the six feet of ground and emerged.

Even before coming above ground fully she smelt humans, or at least something living, so right as she popped up she raised one claw in an improvised greeting. "Yo! Wha's goin' on above grounds? I don't suppose one of ya'll can tell me where in Hyrule I am with these nutjobs and how I'm gonna drag 'em to Lon Lon Ranch?"

Today was turning out wonderfully for Lucco Sour. Having finally received directions on how to reach Northern Hyrule's more urban areas, the Mad Scrub's knack for finding new things to demolish was kicking in once more. Earlier this morning, he'd blown up a merchant wagon on the road with a well-placed bomb. Unfortunately, the Hylians aboard had fled the blast radius in the nick of time, though it had still been a good learning experience. Now he stood before his second target, which promised to be a far more entertaining diversion: A charming, idyllic countryside villa, probably belonging to some noble or another.

Since there didn't seem to be anyone about that could thwart his efforts, Lucco approached the walls of the home carefully. Normally, he would have hurled an endless stream of explosives at the house, courtesy of his bomb bag. But against a target of this magnitude, Lucco felt that the pleasure of levelling the abode efficiently would be worth the hassle of being precise. Indeed, the reinforced walls of the villa were more stout than those of the Fishie (Better known as River Zoras to more civilized tongues) huts he had destroyed back in Moruge. There was an art to bombing, and Lucco looked forward to this test of his skills.

First, he drew his knife and circled the building, tapping his blade against the walls, listening for the trademark hollow sound that indicated a structural flaw. While there had been little use for this nifty trick in the swamp, the Lake Zoras had seen fit to teach him about siege warfare during his time as a mercenary in their employ, and he was grateful for their teachings. After he had fully probed the walls, Lucco returned to the spot he believed weakest and drew a bomb from his bag. He did not set it down immediately, however, instead smearing its surface with the impact coating he had taken the liberty of preparing upon waking up, using regurgitated Scent Seeds and Deku Nuts as regents. The boost to firepower may have been minor, but every little bit helped.

Then and only then did Lucco position the bomb in front of the wall. Something didn't feel quite right, so he shifted it a few inches to the left. The nagging sense that his logistics were off remained, and he moved it back. He tried moving it to the right, but to no avail. The next several minutes were spent in frustration, sliding the explosive back and forth, hoping to locate the most ideal deployment. As he toiled, he reminded himself that the payoff for his troubles would be spectacular.

Oh yes, today was a good day to make things explode...

Sayomi stumbled through the forest on the way to her target's villa, as she to wait for and protect him there. Fat load o' good it did for the convoy a few hours ago; but around her stuff just seems to detonate. That includes ice, fire, concrete, bombs, water and the occasional person; why was she "protecting" something again?

The girl suddenly came to face the villa to which she was assigned. "Just another wasteful assignment" she thought, and she was probably right. After all, why send the clumsiest, dittzyest, least qualified and most dangerous and lulz inducing member of the squad to the middle of the forest, alone, for who knows how long. Yep they just wanted her gone.

There was no sign of activity from inside, wasn't he supposed to meet her here? "Maybe he's out back" she thought and raced around the side of the house, only to come face to face with a Deku scrub and his explosives. She squinted at the bomber, thinking and debating on a course of action, what to do...

She suddenly lunged forward and grabbed his hand shaking it violently "nice to meet you mister person sir, I'm the-" she suddenly stopped, would it be wise to give away her true intentions (despite being in full armor and having weapons that made her intent quite clear), and wracked her brain for an answer "I'm the uh- the- what does he ne- uh, new maid!" finally coming up with a believable(?) cover.

Good thing too she met the steward, now she could know just what the hell is going on. Or was he the cook? Butler? Flower decorator? Evil minion/monkey? Then it hit her, "You must be gardener, up till now I'd always wondered what they meant by 'one with nature'. And you're redecorating too!" she exclaimed, picking up the and bomb and examining it closely, "Soooooo realistic!".

The nobleman seemed a bit perturbed by the second Mogma but Cecil wasn't. He figured it had been a while since he'd seen one. He raised a claw to hail her.

"Oi! I reckon we're just outside o' Hyrule Castle Town, er whatever the topsiders call it. Right?" He turned to Gilbert as he said so.

"Oh... yes, we are. Just outside of it."

"Well, there y'are. I guess that after that left turn at Moruge ya just went too far."

"Erm... excuse me... Shouldn't we go, sir Cecil, before the people in town come to investigate the explosion?"

Cecil nodded. "Yeap, I bet we'd better go 'afore any more o' the bad dudes come lookin' for ya. Or for me, since that unfortunate accident."

------​

At around this time, the butler of house Coghlain's villa decided to make his morning rounds, sun shining off his blended silver and black hair. He happened upon the scene between a deku seemingly arguing with an armored, bomb-toting woman. He raised a single eyebrow at this, wrinkling his already valley-like brow.

"Might I ask what exactly you plan to do with that, before tempers; or worse, that bomb; flare?"

"Left turn at Moruge eh. Ain't the first time that one done messed us up." Molly was kind of happy to see another Mogma here, considering an all-Hylian company didn't always respond well to a young woman suddenly popping up in their midst, possibly messing up their pavement. Never mind that Molly had to DIG through that solid rock stuff, and that it hurt her head to tunnel into it. "And I got the feeling it ain't gonna be the last time either."

The Hylian fellow mentioned an explosion. So that HADN'T been Molly's righteous anger that had shook the earth, but a bomb of sorts? They had the Mogma's attention now. Dignified people (and Mogmas) didn't just go about randomly blowing stuff up. There had to be a good reason for it. Maybe, just maybe, if it was interesting enough, treasure hunting could wait.

"Oi... what's goin' on?" she asked, "Bad dudes? Explosion? Sounds like some real fun goin' on up here. Them topsiders always get all the fun. Lemme in on it!" As she said that, she felt some tugging on one of her legs. Apparently she was taking too long asking for directions and her men were getting impatient. Molly simply lashed out, swatting the impatient Mogger with her tail, as she waited for an answer.

No sooner had Lucco pinpointed the juiciest nook for his bomb to go off when a woman swooped in from nowhere to accost him, violently jostling his arm about before proceeding to scoop up his bomb, disrupting his meticulous preparations. Disoriented by this sudden onslaught, the Mad Scrub had wondered if she was a member of one of Hyrule's guard regiments, given her uniform. The Zoras had warned him about those types. However, amid the woman's frenzied babbling, most of which went in one wooden ear and out the other, Lucco picked out that she was a recently-hired maid. In full battle armour. Was she one of those newfangled combat maids?! Unconsciously shrinking back a step, the Mad Bomber of Moruge resolved to watch this potentially dire foe.

Were speed not of the essence, Lucco would have sought Dud's counsel in response to his unforeseen plight. However, one of his darling bombs was languishing in the most terrible of dungeons... The hand of another. Refusing to let its explosive goodness be tainted further by her rough, clumsy touch, Lucco's hands went to his hips, seconds away from attacking her dignity with a scorching admonishment and demanding she return the bomb to his custody.

Suddenly, his heart stopped. Upon beholding the captive bomb, Lucco saw that from its lofty perch in the woman's palm, it was situated perfectly! It would not only reduce the wall to rubble, it would reduce her to meaty chunks as well! Why, this girl had not soiled his beloved bomb... She had amplified it!

"Wait! Stay like that! Beautiful!" Lucco called out frantically, desperate to preserve this opportunity. "Lass, if you really want to help, stand still and don't move a muscle, okay? Keep holding that bomb exactly the way you are!" Backpedaling a few paces away from the warrior-maid, Lucco shivered with anticipation. One Deku Nut later, and...

The arrival of the butler shattered his concentration. One interruption was okay, but two was enough to infuriate the Mad Scrub. Whirling to face the newcomer, Lucco stared him down with his best baleful scowl.

"Are ya daft?! What does it look like I'm doing? I'm gonna blow this house sky-high! I was here first, so don't be getting any ideas in that thick skull of yours! The maid here is already helping me out, too. You can take your posh carcass elsewhere!"

Sayomi giggled and couldn't help but blush a little as the Deku began complimenting her. She wasn't used to being called "beautiful" or asked to pose with the newest art these nobles had, and she had to admit she liked modelling like this. Maybe she'd make it a summer job...

With Say concentrating on holding the pose for the flattering bush, the sudden intrusion of the butler startled her. And being the un-agile dolt she was, that meant dropping the bomb onto the soft, moist earth beneath. It also meant that any attempt to catch it would undoubtedly make the maid-guardish girl fall with it. Need I say what happened?

"Why does it always end like this?" she spoke as much to the ground as anyone around. Wait, wasn't just in the middle of her 2-minute old dream?! Say scrambled to her feet and grabbed the bomb under her. "Good thing its made tough eh?" she joked as she tried vainly to return to her former stance. To everyone around, it was quite obvious the bomb was now useless; it's fuse fouled by the fall.

"That's ok mister old man sir, me and the shrubbery were just setting up the new decorations. Aren't they great?" tossing it to him. "And as for me, I should get changed into my maid outfit. And you look just like I thought you'd sound in the letters!" She said while passing the butler.

"Erm," interjected Gilbert, "I must insist that if we are to continue discussing this matter we move away from here."

"Aw, right, Mr. Gil. Lead the way," said Cecil, but he turned and gave the most succinct explanation available to him to the female mogma. "Welp, long story, but some bubs apparently wanted 'im dead, and I ended up accidentally bombin' some." He shook a clawed appendage around in front of him, realizing how ridiculous it sounded. "Aw, forget it. I'll explain later if ya come with."

With that, he kept burrowing, staying reasonably close to the surface to pop up periodically and check on his Hylian companion to make sure he was going in the right direction.

---------------​

The butler was unamused by the answers he received. He muttered in response, "Yes, well, I live here, so it would be more accurate to say that I was here first and I'm afraid I would not like it if this place were to be 'blown sky high.' And what do you mean by--"

He stuttered angry non-words as the bomb flew at him shortly. He already knew its fuse was extinguished but by Nayru's Harp, these people were dangerous. And he had received no word of this new maid. He did so wish that the master would inform him of such things. He sighed and turned to her companion, the "shrubbery" as she put it. "Well, would you like to come in for some tea while we try and sort through this mess?"

---------------​

Nevertheless, the travel was uneventful and the noblemen, followed by the two mogmas. They soon reached their destination, having thankfully avoided further complications. On the way Cecil had explained more fully the situation when both mole-people happened to be on the surface. They were met with the scent of tea from the patio...

A sickening feeling settled in the pit of Lucco's stomach as the maid fumbled his bomb and toppled over, foiling the Deku's scheme. To her credit, she attempted to recapture her amazing pose, but it was futile. The seconds that ticked away seemed an eternity to Lucco as he watched in stunned silence, mouth still agape to facilitate the launch of a Deku Nut. Unlike the others present, he knew that a fouled-up fuse did not render his explosives harmless. In fact, he rarely bothered with fuses in the first place, preferring instead to detonate bombs from a distance with his own-grown Deku Nuts. Why play with fire when a projectile worked equally well? A strong enough impact could yet set it off...

However, Lucco was too dejected to force the issue, unable to muster the requisite motivation to shoot the primed Deku Nut nestled within his snout. The most vulnerable opening he had seen in a long time had vanished, never to be seen again, and the sight of his bomb stained with mud and dirt dampened his spirits beyond repair (at least for the moment). To make matters worse, the maid scurried off to attend to her other responsibilities, ending her short-lived stint as Lucco's accomplice. In disgust, the Mad Scrub reached into his mouth, pulled out his Deku Nut, and dropped it into the garden, where it landed with an ineffectual thud.

Stomping over to where the butler stood, Lucco swiped the bomb from the man's grasp. "Oh, Daisy..." The Deku cooed, spontaneously naming his explosive as he stroked its tarnished surface affectionately, "What's happened to you? Don't worry, Daddy Lucco's got you..." Frowning, he returned his stern gaze to the butler. Fortunately for the domestic servant, Lucco's lethargy overpowered his ire, and he decided not to pursue the instant gratification of vengeance. In any event, Lucco's journey had been a long one, and despite the butler's interference, the prospect of refreshments was appealing.

"... I'll take you up on that offer. I think you owe me a stiff drink, pal."

-----------​

Lucco proved an uncouth houseguest as he imperiously seated himself at a table on the patio, refusing to budge until the butler brought both him and "Daisy" tea. While he waited, he placed his filthy bomb upon the table, showing no mercy to the tablecloth. His mood was already steadily improving, pleased that even when he didn't get to blow something up, he was accomodated with material benefits. Ah, this was the life... Now if only a job offer would come along...

"Aw. Talk 'bout some serious fun. Lemme just get something straight down here..." She leapt up, out of the ground, only to dive in as graciously as one of her posture could. She landed on top of the unfortunate Mogger who had tugged on her leg earlier, hopping off him to address the men. "Change of plans. New plans involve helpin' some rich guy who's got people throwin' bombs at 'is head."

"Sounds like crazy, boss."

"If by 'crazy' you mean 'fun 'n' rupees', you're right." Molly laughed. "Glad we're in agreement on that, then." She then popped back up, only to see the others taking off. Apparently they'd thought she was tunnelling along with them. "Gah!" Quickly popping back under, she made short work of the dirt getting in her way and followed behind the other Mogma, her own men behind her.

---

Once they arrived, not only Molly, but five other, male Mogmas popped up from the ground. A gardener's worst nightmare. "Bub!" she said, as a means of greeting, "I just remembered I done gone and forgot to introduce meself. Name's Molly, and these here are my underlings. Bark, Gabe, Gavin, Ladd, and Arum."

Sayomi was moving through the manor, quietly celebrating her victory over the minds of the butler and gardener (sadly, the only incorrect part is "gardener"); randomly searching for her uniform in rooms, drawers, closets, sinks, baths... What was she looking for again? Nevermind, lets not try to get into that head of hers.

After invading privacy, breaking a few things (on accident! Honest!) and tracking mud everywhere; she found a fitting uniform (unfortunately, it couldn't fit her armor too). Now having trashed the place before having actually started her sorta undercover thing, she began work on the tea that the Gardener requested. After totally not starting a fire in the kitchen, the maid brought the set to the porch, where the bush was chillin'.

Unfortunately for the homicidal plant, a bunch of ultra-cute, mole-like furry people emerged from the carefully tended garden, and such an opportunity couldn't be wasted. "SOOOOOOOO CUTE!" Sayomi screamed, dropping the tea and glomping them; hard. As more arrived with the master of the house, things just even better for her...

Florence, butler of the manor, was having a bad day.

First he'd run into this odd couple traipsing about on the grounds, planning some sort of bombing, then the young woman let herself in, made a terrible mess inside, and raided the drawers.

He looked ragged already, and if he weren't already the unfortunate age when hair starts to gray, he would certainly be growing old before his time because of it. As things stood he mused that he would instead lose some of his hair before his time.

He sighed heavily as she shattered the entire tray and spilled tea all over the patio. He then turned and saw Gilbert, saying, "I do apologize for this, my lord."

Gilbert looked around at the people who had made their way to the villa as well as those who followed him.

Briefly, stories were exchanged. Cecil squirmed a bit, saying lightly, "Well, ma'am, I appreciate yer feelings, but I hardly know ya!"

After explanations, Gilbert finished, "... So that's the story. At any rate, my relatives will probably hold a funeral within the next few days. Is anyone here willing to help me reclaim my place?"

Cecil held up a claw. "I already said I would, but if you're askin' again..."

Florence bowed. "Of course, sir."

In the brief span of moments before Gilbert's arrival, Lucco, left unattended by both the maid and the butler, had lifted the already-stained fine linens spread across the table and painstakingly carved his name in the table with his knife, partly to keep himself occupied and partly out of impatience toward the service here. If they were gonna promise him free beverages, they could at least be speedy about it. Naturally, when the maid finally returned bearing his tea, only to carelessly cast it aside in favour of forcing herself upon some strange furball poking up from a hole in the ground, Lucco merely shook his head, etching "WUZ HERE" just below his name to further emphasize his disapproval.

Wait... A strange furball? Looking up from his handiwork in astonishment, Lucco beheld a swarm of hairy creatures protruding from the earth. Ooooh... He had never encountered anything of their ilk before! What colour would their blood and guts be, if they were made to go boom? What would happen if he were to drop a bomb into the tunnels underneath them? With such burning questions on his mind, Lucco could do naught but pay more attention to the unfolding drama.

The newcomers were led by a Hylian ponce who began babbling his life story; Lucco mostly tuned him out, too fixated on the Mogmas. First Birdies, now these things? A more artistically-sensitive soul might have found the contrast between the high-flying Ritos and these denizens of the underground fascinating, but Lucco's one-track mind couldn't hold its focus for long. The instant the Hylian mentioned that he was in need of help, the Deku's ears perked up. Aha! So that was why he'd been invited in. The butler had been searching for mercenaries, and had no doubt heard of Lucco's fearsome reputation! The alluring possibility of pay was enough to stir the Mad Scrub into action.

"Help, ya say?" Lucco remarked as he hopped out of his seat (Nobody had bothered to evict him, despite his abomidable manners), tucking Daisy under one arm. "I'm more for killing folks than saving 'em, but I'll join up. I don't come cheap, though! I'll need lotsa rupees, a lifetime supply of tea, and..." He gestured in the direction of Molly and her crew. "... You have to let me make one of them explode. Doesn't matter which one, you've got plenty to spare. Deal?" Inspired to bomb once more by the appearance of this unknown species, Lucco eyed the Mogmas hungrily.

Nothing beat the nice, tingly feel of watching something new being consumed by a fiery detonation...

Molly's thoughts were interrupted when a Hylian girl screamed and came for her at a high speed- "DUCK!" She and her men immediately popped their heads into the ground, avoiding the glomp. When Molly thought it safe to go back up, she did so. That girl was IN for it! "Listen, lassie!" Behind her, her men slowly came back up, but they didn't show more than their ears above ground. They knew WELL what that tone in their leader's voice meant.

"I dunno what yer problem is, but we ain't stuffed animals ya can just squeeze the air out of and cuddle and sleep with! I oughta swat ya like a Moldorm!" She lashed out with one claw to emphasize her words. "Get yerself checked!"

She then landed both claws on the ground again, exhaled and rested her elbows on the ground, a sign that she was relatively calm. The Moggers popped all the way out behind her now. "And you, overgrown tobacco plant, ain't blowin' up me or my men. Get those things anywhere near us and I'm puttin' ya so deep underground yer gonna forget how ta do photosynsomethin'."

"Dun say she won't do it," Gavin said behind her, "She'll."

Molly, in the meanwhile, turned to Gilbert. "We're still in, chief. Under the conditions that no bombs or overgrown toddlers are let near us."

"Hmm..." muttered Gilbert. "That may actually be the only option we have. If the others were to know I still live they could very well just try again. It may be best to just have everyone gather at the funeral and then make our proclamation there..."

"Er... wait a sec," interjected Cecil. "So we are about ta dig a tunnel to wherever they're sapposed t'be buyin' ya, and pop out. At yer own funeral."

Florence, too, raised an eyebrow. For a moment there was silence.

"Yep, I thought so, just checkin'." Cecil gulped. "Welp, what're we ta do?"

At this the butler spoke. "I would assume we would need information. Perhaps the two of our furrier friends could begin with a sizable tunnel as the rest of us who are able venture into town?"