This thread is where I'll be posting monthly flashbacks. I'll try to meet the deadline, anyway. I won't keep them in spoilers, since they aren't very long. This first one is centered around a Kokiri who leaves the Forest. Please, please, please post in this thread with what you think. I have a burning desire to improve, and anything you can say would be greatly appreciated, even if it's just a "oh hey Quill this is cool." ---Leaving the Forest--- The Maiden of Courage bids me honor the greatest of divine laws. The child, my child, whom Farore grants to me for companionship in these eternal Woods, from which all the world's life springs, requests of me that which is entirely within my power to grant, yet at the same time that which is furthest from my wishes. I wish all my children to stay with me, where the wickedness of the outside can never reach them. I wish them all to play forever in my branches, their immortal laughter never ceasing as I keep watch over them and the Forest. True, there are dangers; the scratch he earns on his leg as he scampers from my grove is only proof that safety is not entirely what lies in these trees. The Woods are alive. Not in the way that the Terminian marshes are, or even the lush grain fields of Hyrule; the Woods pulse with the purest energy of life. It is what sighs through the branches as the winds blow through, what sparkles in the stream as the light catches it, and what sings as the children laugh. The life is within them, too. They are immortal; they are as much a part of the Forest's life, and of what is entrusted to me by the Maiden of Courage, as I am. The Maiden of Courage bids me honor the greatest of divine laws. As she creates my children to ease the passage of the long millenia and, more importantly, to embody the nature of life still further, she warns me that should they wish to see the outside world, I must honor her single Law. I swear to follow her ordinance, despite the knowledge of the pain it brings to me. An empty hole is created within me with every child's departure, one which aches all the more by the omnipresent link existing between us all. I still sense his presence, even as he explores the vast Terminian fields with a human lady, yet I can draw no comfort from it. It exists seemingly solely to plague my mind with the subtle hints of his presence, which only accentuates the loss I suffer while he, and all his brothers and sisters, live outside my home. I sigh and look down on him as he kneels before me, his yellow fairy floating above him. I must honor thy request, I say, but thou must know of the dangers outside these Woods. While thou art protected and cherished by every tree and the essence of the Forest itself, the outside world shall not care for thee as I do. Wickedness lies within the hearts of men, as surely as the flowers grow at the end of every wintertime. Gwen the fairy, help Aaron survive and thrive safely in the world outside my realm. Fare thee well, my child. Thou hast my blessing. Leave with my final words in mind: stay safe, and remember to return to me before the coming of the Spring Equinox, when the sun and moon shine equally above the green plains of the Hyrulean fields. The Maiden of Courage bids me honor the greatest of divine laws. I do not differentiate between the ages. Times long ago and times yet to come are as one within me. All of my children leave my home to explore the world outside at some point. Despite their return, and despite their departures existing at different points in the time stream, I am always feeling each loss as if they exist side by side. For those who do not return, I can do naught but mourn until the Maiden of Wisdom ends the flow of time's river and her sister, the Maiden of Courage, comes once more to end my time upon the earth. ----- I leaned back against the soaring oak tree, hard as the rocky ruins of the Garo's fallen city, familiar and comforting as the warmest bed in Kakariko, and tall and majestic as the grand marble palace of Hyrule Castle itself. The grass stretched out all around me like the softest and most ergonomic pillows in Clock Town, dotted with flowers brighter and more vibrant than any silly princesses' dress or jewel. Yes, it was certainly good to be back in the Forest. I smiled at my brothers and sisters all around me- oh, how they had missed me! They clamored for story after story, and I indulged them with tales of my grandest adventures through the Gerudo Desert, consorting in secret with hidden revolutionary guilds, running from a rabid pack of Stalfos in Ikana... the times when I traveled as alone as the wildest Wolfos, with naught but my fairy for company and companionship. They soaked all of them up like the most absorbent of loofas- but then, of course they did. They had never been outside the forest, never beheld for themselves that vast world that awaited them. The little dears were truly like children, crowding around me for sparkling stories of the glittering world outside the Woods. Thank the Deku Tree they had me. Without me, why, they might remain completely uneducated! Their worlds consisted of nothing more than the infinitesimal space within these woods, completely and ubiquitously unaware of the grandeur and mystique awaiting them in the vast fields, glittering palaces, and ancient ruins of the outside. Why, even the Great Deku Tree himself was ignorant of the stupefying tidbits of knowledge I had obtained during my travels, pearls of divine wisdom which I now magnanimously imparted upon these little ones. The tale I was currently telling was, I must say, my favorite. It was the piece de resistance of the ethereal and esoteric wisdom I was willing to share, the finest lesson I had learned while saving the life of a Zoran noble. I was, of course, the hero of the tale, and with all the dastardly and villainous wrongdoers firmly incarcerated, the lovely lady of the Zoras profusely thanking me for my daring, courageous, and self-sacrificing rescue, and the throngs of townspeople pressing themselves around me, offering their thanks for saving their beloved noble, all that was wrong was made right. I ended the tale with a grand sweep of my arms, finishing to loud applause from my eager, hyperactive audience. Goodness, I was surprised they had managed to sit through the entire thing, with attention spans like theirs, but then... how could their undeveloped childish craniums not be utterly captivated by the splendiferous weave of my... of my... oh, what was that word again? I nearly reached into my bag for a dictionary to check, but stopped as a brother dropped down before me, causing the grass around him to ripple outwards as if a powerful Hylian mage had cast a meteor spell on the spot. His body was unblemished by any scar or scratch, and I wondered how he could stay so in this most dirty of places. His hair was a mix of the reddest strawberries of the Terminian fields and the goldest rays of the midday sun, and floating around him was a yellow fairy with wings as pure as Snowhead's peak. “Salutations, brother!” I cried jovially, spreading my arms to embrace him in a loving hug. “Did you enjoy the stories?” The boy nodded. “Oh, yes,” He said, nodding like a cucco. His blue eyes glittered up at me, eager as the horses about to begin the race at a crack of a whip. “A lot!” He seemed to teeter on the edge of speech- doubtless I was intimidating him. Oh, how adorable! Our fairies stirred around us, then drifted up to hover a few Hylians-length above us. “Look,” I said, laughing. “They like each other!” I grabbed my brother and pulled him close around the shoulders, looking up at our fairies. “You know,” I said, smiling, “it's always good to see friendships cross classes.” “Huh?” The boy asked. I stifled a gasp. The poor dear was ignorant even of the etiquette even of his home! He really needed to get out more. “Don't you know,” I said, lowering my voice lest another, less friendly, brother hear and tease him for his lack of enlightened knowledge, “fairies have classes- based on color, of course. Blue is the highest. They're only given to people of great stature and enormous potential. But it's nice to see them getting along, despite all that posh.” I waved my hand and laughed. “So, what about Og?” The boy nodded his head to the left. I looked over and saw a fat child munching on mushrooms, his eyes vacant as one Poe-ssessed while his blue fairy tried vainly to make him put the horrid, rubbery things down. Honestly, these children actually ate those things? How disgusting! It made me appreciate cucco strips and eggs all the more. “Well,” I said, struggling to reconcile the picture of the noblest of all fairy classes fluttering around the head of one so... gross, “he probably needs all the help he can get. Anyway,” I said, turning back to smile at the boy. “I must be off. I have things to do, sights to see, you understand.” I picked up my bag, whistled to my fairy, and turned to depart this area of the Forest. “Wait,” the boy said. I turned impatiently and raised both my eyebrows, like I had when an overbearing duchess had asked me whether I had wanted a piece of vanilla ice cream. I prefer my creamed ice purest chocolate, heavy on the fudge and light on the frosting, thank you very much. What did I look like, a savage? The boy drew closer, a curious glint in his eyes. I tilted my head. That look was new. It was one that the other children had been completely lacking as they raced off with their fairies to hunt down butterflies and play tag with the toads. It was one that the boy had not possessed twenty one point five seconds ago, either. Something had just changed; my profound skills at reading people, known across the Realms for their accuracy, were telling me so. “Is it true,” he said slowly, “what you said?” “Hmm?” “The world,” he said, tapping his foot against the soft grass like an impatient schoolboy. “Is it like you said?” “Yes,” I said simply. “It really is that amazing.” I knew what he was getting at, of course. I smiled, said goodbye, and left. It was time to get some painting done. I wanted to leave these savages with mementos to remember me (and what I had taught them of myself) by. Perhaps a self-portrait, or a ballad of my victories over the spice monopoly. The opportunities were endless! ----- The wind was strong today. I cannot feel cold, but I settled myself into the crook of his shoulder nonetheless. The trees pulsed strongly all around us, their energy singing to me, even here, when we neared the outskirts of the Lost Woods. I felt the faintest brush of a manic, childish glee; there were Skull Kids behind us in the trees. No hostility radiated from them, though, and I felt no need to warn Aaron of their presence. They had been following us, their presence growing stronger while the distance remained constant, seeing one of their brethren safely out of the Woods. A proper send-off. Aaron shivered, the movement noticeable even amongst the skipping. “Where's your coat?” I asked reflexively. “Dunno,” he shrugged. I sighed. Why did I continually feel the need to ask questions to which I already knew the answers? “It's in your pack, Aaron.” “Oh. Thanks.” A few seconds passed, during which he definitely had not taken out his coat. “Aaron....” “Oh, alright.” Grudgingly, I could tell, he pulled out the dark green coat and swung it around his shoulders. From the way his steps were staggering, though, I knew we couldn't keep it up this late at night. “Let's stop here,” I said. “What?” His head whipped around. “No! No way!” I sighed. “Aaron....” “No,” he said firmly, plowing on ahead. “I want to see I want to see Great Deku Tree told me I want to see the world!” His hand beat an unsteady tattoo against his side, both arms shaking, and not from the low temperatures. I hovered around his head anxiously. He was stuttering again, which was a sure sign of agitation and anxiety. I really, really wanted to call a halt to the late-night march, but I knew that would only make him feel worse. “Alright,” I said soothingly, “we can go until you're ready to stop.” “I'm not not stopping,” he said. “I'm leaving!” I had to speed up to keep level with him. His eyes were puffy and he was blinking far too rapidly. “Aaron,” I said a little hesitantly, “are you-” “I'm fine!” He plowed on ahead, and the only thing that stopped him was a root which caught him about the ankle and sent him hurtling into the ground. He screamed, the sound a blend of pain and frustration that would break my heart, if I had one. I rested on his good leg, which had been his bad leg only a few moments before. My wings brushed against the scratch earned in the Great Deku Tree's grove, and I sighed as I looked at the large scrape on his knee. “Here,” I said, pouring magic into it and pulling it back together. “Be more careful,” I admonished. He sniffed, but didn't look up. “Do you want to stop?” My tone was not unkindly, but I had to work to keep any trace of self-satisfaction from it. He sniffed again, and I detected the barest hint of acquiescence. The next couple of minutes were spent setting up the campsite, and it wasn't until the next morning that we rose and continued on our way. He yawned and stretched, and though his eyes were bleary with early morning mucus, his face quickly gained the excited look of a boy presented with a whole new backyard, a backyard filled with hidden treasures just waiting to be discovered. “Come on,” he shouted, “let's go!” He skipped through the outskirts of the Lost Woods, and I hastened to follow. The Forest here was different. I could feel it. The aura of life which endlessly pulsed through the Lost Woods was fainter here, and though it was still present, it was much less profound. Aaron kept his cloak around him despite the morning's light, and it occurred to me that perhaps... perhaps it was not temperature that caused his shivering, but rather the lack of vibrant life coursing through his being. He would adjust soon enough, though; he would have too. Each tree was less a part of the Lost Woods than the last, and eventually I felt the presence of the Skullkids fade into nothingness behind Aaron. They dared not follow any longer. We had reached the outskirts of the Lost Woods. “Aaron,” I said softly, “stop.” “Why?” I fluttered ahead of him, out of his sight. To him, it would sound like my voice came from the trees themselves. “Come here, Aaron.” He did, slower than he usually would, and his mouth dropped open. I was floating at the side of the very last tree. It stood as the last sentinel between two worlds, and I wondered what life would be like on the other side. I had never be separated from the Lost Woods and the never ending life blooming from every flower bud, every drop of water, and every gust of wind. Aaron cast a nervous look at me. He was extremely excited to see the world, yes, but he couldn't hide his fear. Not from me. I knew him too well. Our souls were linked; they might even be one. He was torn between the emotions of fear and excitement, and he looked to me for guidance. Such was the curse of the guardian fairy, to be the one always looked to in times of crises and hardship. “It's alright,” I said, “remember what's waiting out there! Ruins of ancient stone, palaces of brightest marble, and clocks as mysterious as the moon!” He nodded, swallowed... and stepped beyond the tree.
This is centered around that same Kokiri, but farther back in time. He basically gets terrorized and is lost in the Woods without a fairy. ---Lost and Found--- Aaron sat huddled around a small campfire, his ears swiveled to focus wholly on the redhead sitting across from him. The fire crackled and popped, and the red embers floated up and framed the redhead's face in little dots of fizzling light. The night was dark and deep, and the only other light came from the full moon shining brightly amidst the twinkling stars set far in the skies above him. He fidgeted, his nose full of the scents of wet grass and fresh pinecone. His skin was pale and sweaty, and his eyes bulged out a little from his freckled face. His arms were wrapped tightly around himself as he stared at the redhead, Kara, as she glared sinisterly around the fire at each of them in turn. When her gaze pierced his, he dropped his eyes. The soil was nice and foamy tonight, and the grass was supple and firm under his feet. He dared to look back up. Kara's fingers were wiggling above the fire, and her low voice and somber expression sent chills down his spine. And then there were the words she spoke! Aaron tried not to listen to the words, but it was hard not to; aside from the bugs chirping and creaking in the Forest around them, there wasn't really anything else to listen to. They weren't nice words, the words she said, but then, he knew that they wouldn't be. They never were here. He really didn't like this. He missed Gwen, and he had to repress the urge to sniff and rub his eyes as Kara's voice creeped steadily up the octaves. Octaves! He grabbed the term with the desperation of a Skull Kid, thinking of his flute and the music he would soon make with it. He had been trying out a new composition, one with plenty of runs and slides and arpeggios and- ooh! Maybe he could even throw in a few- “BAM!” Aaron jumped so high that his head brushed the canopy of stars above him, so high that the moon itself shrieked with terror and shrank back. Kara's face was an inch from his- she must have creeped her way around the flames of the campfire to him. “Do you know what happened then?” She asked ominously. Aaron shook his head as he leaned away, so far away that he was afraid he would topple backwards off his log. “N-no,” he said, “and I really don't to want don't know.” Kara licked her lips slowly, her arms raising up high above her head in an eerie dance. “The Poe reached down the boy's throat... and pulled out his soul!” Aaron gulped. “He was doomed to wander the Forest forever, mindless, soulless, and when he finally came back to the Forest,” she looked slowly around at each of them in turn, “he didn't even recognize his own Fairy!” Aaron shivered and looked back down at his feet. To not know Gwen, to not remember anything, how horrible a fate! His fingers gripped tightly around his wooden flute, but with a jolt, he realized that he would be unable to even play his music. His knuckles whitened around the wood, but Kara wasn't finished. “They say the Poe still wanders these trees,” she said, her green eyes flashing in the red light of the fire, “hungry for another soul to take!” Her head turned round and stared directly at Aaron. Sizzling green met trembling blue, and Aaron found himself inescapably caught in her hold. “Be careful that it doesn't take yours.” It was hard to get to sleep that night. That was the last of the ghost stories, thank the Goddesses, but Aaron didn't feel at ease. Every rustle of leaves was a Poe slinking towards him across the ground, every sigh of wind was the spirit creeping over his prone form, and every snapping twig was the soulless Kokiri shambling towards him. He wished that Gwen was here with him. If she were, then he might not feel so scared. It took a long time for his shakings and tremblings to subside. He fell into a restless slumber, his limbs tossing to and fro, his rolling body creating a crater of depressed grass all around him. Berries and nuts spread out on a table of shining wood set against a backdrop of deepest stars and suns on the moon with lots of cheese mmm cheese Gwen nibbled on something unseen yummy could he have one? but no that wasn't possible because Gwen was gone and he was alone and he shrugged and went back to the nuts and berries but whoa! there was no more food left and he gaped at it where was all the food and then the moon darkened and the stars died and he turned and there was something shambling towards him with eyes blacker than night and breath like a hissing void and he turned to stumble and run but there was a dark spirit floating above him coming out of the moon's crater but the moon was dying there was no moon left he was nowhere and it reached down his throat and he tried to run but the soulless kokiri was holding him down and the poe reached down his throat and it grabbed his light orb and pulled out the ball of light and grinned wicked sharp teeth and lowered him into its mouth and- Aaron's eyes snapped open, his chest heaving and his hair slick with sweat. The stars were shining bright and distant above him, and the moon still hung impassively in the dark skies. It was still nighttime. There was no Poe, no soulless Kokiri, no nothing. It was just a dream. He placed a trembling hand over his heart and looked around, wanting to reassure himself with the sight of his fellow brothers and sisters snoozing comfortably. His breathing wooshed in and out in uncontrolled gasps. There was no-one there. The clearing was empty but for logs and the remains of the campfire black and ashes and depressed grass and where were they he was alone and Gwen where was Gwen he needed Gwen! His face crumpled and he grabbed his knees, looking around in all directions. He was alone and utterly surrounded by dark trees that clawed their way up to the skies, wanting to reach up and grasp the stars and wring the very light out from them. He crawled over to the log he had sat on last night and glanced around nervously. “H-hello?” He called out, his soft voice quivering in the silent clearing. “K-Kara? I wondering was whether you here were are where-” something cracked in the woods beyond him, and his voice strangled out in his throat. He tried to call out again, but his throat was all constricted and he couldn't cry out couldn't say couldn't- what was that? Thump-thump. Thump... thump. Thump. Heavy beats, coming towards him at a pace so irregular that Aaron's head hurt just listening to it. It was irregular, it was lumbering, it was ... was... shambling. A shambling pace... a dead man's walk. Wooooooosh... siiiiiiiiiiiigh.... The treetops wove back and forth as, across the clearing from the thumps, there came a new sound. A sound like the scattering of leaves, like the dispersal of wind, like... like a ghost? Aaron's eyes were stretched to the fullest, his pupils huge and his fingers shaking so badly that even if he had raised his flute to his lips, he wouldn't have been able to cast any of his music magic. His head whipped back and forth as the two sounds came nearer and nearer, and then came a noise that froze his blood. “Aaron...” a low voice hissed, “give me your soul!” Aaron screamed, the sound high and animalistic, piercing the air and shattering the night sky. His mind broke and his body went into full-automatic. He hurled himself away from the logs and raced out of the clearing, away from the cackling and shrieking voices and the murderous treetops and the uncaring stars and everything that there was in that horrible clearing. After he was long gone, little shapes emerged from the edges of the clearing. His brothers and sisters laughed and whooped with glee, hi-fiving each other and congratulating themselves on their magnificent accomplishment. Kara smirked down the path Aaron had taken as countless hands pounded on her back and laughed all around her. There was nothing but the pounding of feet and the rushing of blood. Nothing but the gasping of breath and the scraping of twigs and the unending expanse of dark trees all around him. Nothing but the pain in his side, the burning hole that no amount of gasping would fill. Something seized his ankle and he fell to the ground, his face smashing into the soft earth. He lifted his trembling head, and the only spots on his face that were clean were the parts directly beneath his eyes. He sniffed, lifting a grubby hand to wipe away the tears and only managing to smudge his face still further. An owl hooted, and he gasped, huddling against a large tree trunk. Something roared in the distance, and he trembled and hid his head in his arms. He rocked back and forth, looking around but not recognizing anything and where was he he didn't know he was too deep in the Woods without his fairy and Gwen where was she he needed her where was she where where where where where where- Hoot! Aaron screamed, spasming and knocking the back of his head against the tree. When his vision stopped spinning, he put his head between his legs and cried for a good long while. No cry can last forever, though, and eventually the exhausted Aaron drifted off to sleep under the dark shadow of the ancient oak. He awoke to something poking his face. He sniffed and looked up, blinking in sluggish surprise at the sight of a masked Skull Kid inches away from his nose. “What?” He asked, his voice still grubby from sleep and crying. “What you want?” The Skull Kid didn't speak. It stood up and held out a hand for Aaron to grab. Aaron sniffed, wiped his eyes, and took it. The Skull Kid hauled him to his feet and set off, still holding tight to Aaron's hand. The minutes seemed to blur together in a mess of walking, of unending trees, and of shame. How could he not know his own home? The Forest was where he lived, why was he too stupid to remember the way? Stupid and a coward; what a brave Kokiri he turned out to be. His thoughts grew gradually darker and darker, but they were cut off by a sharp squeeze from the Skull Kid. Aaron looked up, surprised. Its bright orange eyes were staring at him, and if it were possible, Aaron would describe them as reproachful. Aaron sniffed and wiped his face again. “Sorry,” he said, “I'm just so- so- so stupid!” The Skull Kid didn't speak, but squeezed his hand in comfort and continued to lead him through the Woods. Aaron concentrated on that hand, and it kept him from his self-pity and self-loathing. As he calmed down, he began to hear the song of the Forest, the pulse of life that washed through every inch of the Woods. He sighed in relief, and for the first time, he felt truly safe. The Skull Kid looked over his shoulder at him, and Aaron grinned at the knowing look in his eyes. He didn't need the Skull Kid anymore, but the two continued to walk together back to the very edge of the Kokiri Forest. They stood together on a hill overlooking the treehouses of Aaron's brothers and sisters. The grass rippled in the gentle wind, and the sun shone bright onto the rich wood brown of the trees. The stream winding its way through the houses sparkled and splashed merrily, and Aaron thought longingly of his smudged tunic. The Skull Kid's eyes shone bright and orange underneath his wide-brimmed straw hat, and Aaron smiled at him and squeezed his hand for the last time. Aaron looked deep into the Skull Kid's eyes and opened his mouth to thank him for... he wasn't sure what. To thank him for bringing him out of the Woods? For helping him calm down? For dealing with his shame? Whatever it was he was going to say died in his throat. Those burning orange eyes... they weren't burning. Not like the other Skull Kids Aaron had met. This one was different. The eyes weren't burning, they were just... there. They seemed empty somehow, like a candle enchanted with the illusion of a flame. Aaron's mouth dropped open in realization. “You! You're-” A jingling shout came from behind Aaron, and he turned around in surprise. There was a yellow fairy zipping up the slope at insane speeds, screaming and hollering his name in relief and grief. He smiled and waved. “Gwen! Over here! Look who-” he glanced back and blinked. The Skull Kid was gone. “But...” he swallowed and smiled into the brightly painted trees. “Thanks,” he whispered. “For everything.”
Okay, after much delay: your first post. First off I should obviously preface by the fact that this is really, really well written. Most anything I could offer would fall under the category of subjective or preferential or even just a general feeling. When we're talking about really critiquing something that's already of this caliber, as a junior writer it's hard for me to give you things that are truly concrete to chew on. Anyway, though, onward! I should definitely begin by addressing what went really well in this. Your writing of the Great Deku Tree was beautiful. It was flowery, but it felt like you really replicated his character very well. There was no question who was talking in it, and you made it clear about the point he was getting across. In the second section, I felt like things got stronger still. Your ability to use simile after simile as it related to any number of things in the Zelda universe really brought this to life in a hurry. Again, the strength of the character here was really evident. You just knew the type of person that was being described. For the final section, I felt like this was easily the strongest. It was the quickest of the three, but the short dialogue exchanges made it so you didn't need much more (in most places, will talk about this further down). Your brief descriptions were easily sufficient, and the perspective itself was really perfect for the story you were trying to tell. It ended exactly where it should've, and I felt like (despite it being the most action-y) that I knew what was going on. Okay, so on to the potential criticisms. I know on the other site you lost points mostly for dealing with their personal rubric, which unfortunately I can't say much toward, but I can provide what I felt during the reading. So I'll start again in the first section. Despite this being very delicately written, it was felt like it was too long. I got a wall of text that basically told me the same thing over and over again. I mean, I know the Deku Tree is a bit long-winded, but this as an introduction was a little hard to swallow. The second section was probably the trickiest. I know now that you meant it to be another Kokiri boy but not your character. Maybe you need smarter readers than me, but that was a bit hard to grasp while reading. Like I said, the arrogance and well-traveledness of the character made him come to life, but I almost wonder if it would've been better if he'd simply been a Hylian merchant, barring any clashing with the setting. Because you had two more or less undescribed "Kokiri Boys" in play, knowing what was going on was difficult. Furthermore, his attitude felt so worldly it seemed odd that he would be a Kokiri at all. I mean, I get that the world changed him, but that doesn't mean you can't overdo it, especially for this type of race. In a nutshell for the second, basically the issues I had were clarity and character choice. In general, too, it felt a little long as well to get the point across. I knew exactly what you were getting at after a certain point because you wrote it well, but then it just went on and on. Even if it were an excessive character, there are limits to that too. Okay, so final scene. I don't really have a whole lot of criticisms for this one as, like I said, it was your strongest one. The only really thing I might bring up as actually more of a reverse criticism--that is to say, this was good, but it was good in a way that made it not completely fit with the others. In the previous two sections, you have people who are (for the most part) pretty detached from Aaron, but suddenly we're brought to this very, very close relationship with the character. It feels good, but it feels so much different (alive, personal, close) that it almost disrupts the flow of the whole flashback, leaving it a little... mmm, disjointed? I guess the other thing I could add would actually have been to stretch this one a little further. It felt a little like you were trying to wrap it up, without taking all the time you needed (especially compared to the other two) and things like him sleeping for the night were so quick you could almost miss it. This definitely felt like the richest part of your story, and I was a little sad to see it go by so quickly. Anyway, this is basically just a critical analysis of what you wrote, which will probably be harder to apply to other written bits. For that, though, I would say just keep an eye on how clear you're being with your reader, what devices you choose to employ, and how long you leave them running for. It's easy to get caught up in your own story and just leave that behind, and it felt like it weighed this piece down a bit because I couldn't fully get some of the basic concepts. Again, that could be intentional and you just need a smarter reader than me, but that's just how it felt. Will get to your other one soon. This was good
This one is on that same Kokiri. Some needed background: Aaron is a music mage. He casts his magic through his flute. This flashback is about him getting that flute. ----------- “It's a whisper. Nothing more. A hum that dances tantalizingly out of reach, just audible enough to attract attention, but so quiet that it's barely recognizable. It echoes off of every leaf in the Forest; no matter where you go, can't ever escape it. It's everywhere; it resonates through your very soul and vibrates in the ground and grass beneath your feet. The flower petals shake in time with its beat, and the dandelion tufts take flight at its every turn.” “What is it?” “The Song of the Forest.” Aaron strained his ears, trying to hear. The birds sung overhead, his brothers and sisters played Fairy Tag a little to his left, and the croaking of bull-frogs was audible from all the long way to the stream. “I don't hear any song,” he said, his back slumping a little as his lower lip jutted out in disappointment. His sister, Branwyn, leaned against a tree trunk, popping a red berry into her mouth. “You will,” she said, her voice as relaxed as the tree at her back. “Just give it time.” Aaron tapped his fingers in frustration. He didn't want to wait, he wanted to hear it now! He remembered what she had said about the song resonating from every blade of grass and the very earth of the Forest under his feet, and he leaned to the side and stuck his ear against the ground. There! There was something, a kind of thudding vibration... was that it? Was he finally hearing the song of the Forest? “Aaron, Branwyn!” Aaron opened his eyes. Standing in front of him, his face flushed from running, was one of his brothers. Aaron felt his bubble of excitement turn into lead and plummet down into his stomach. So it wasn't the song after all; it had just been footsteps. “Cara, she, she,” his breathing was labored from his run, and it took him a few seconds to spit it out. “She's ready to start!” His brother's eyes were as bright as the green fairy circling over his head. “She's starting any second now!” Branwyn leaped up and began to run to where a crowd of Kokiri were gathering. “Come on, then, Aaron!” She shouted over her shoulder, her green hair bouncing everywhere as she turned her head to look at him. “Hurry up!” The other Kokiri who had brought them the news followed her, leaving Aaron alone with Gwen by the tree. Aaron stood slowly, taking time to brush the soil from his cheek. “What are you doing?” Gwen asked, floating up from her perch on his shoulder. Her yellow light looked pale against the backdrop of the brown tree. “Don't you want to listen?” Aaron shrugged. “Not really.” His feet led him slowly over to the crowd, his yellow fairy hovering about a foot away from his face. “What's she do, anyway?” “She plays the violin,” Gwen answered immediately. “She's been in the Woods for a while, practicing for this recital.” Aaron nodded. A violin. That's what it was called. Gwen had described one to him a while back. It was supposed to be this wooden thing that made noise by scratching a stick of wood against a string. Aaron moaned and let his head fall back as his feet trudged onwards. “What's that for?” Gwen asked, her voice a little defensive. “You've never even seen a violin!” Aaron didn't respond. He hated being forced into this. It was a stupid waste of time- he'd rather Branwyn kept telling him stories about the song of the Forest. Almost reflexively, he cocked his head to the side. Nope, nothing there. “Here we are,” Gwen said, her voice shushed and quiet. The Kokiri were all sitting down in the grass, looking up at Cara. Her blonde hair was tied into a long ponytail, her eyes closed in concentration. Aaron sat down with the rest, his hand propping up his face as he stared in boredom up at her. She was gripping this wooden thing in her hands- that must be the violin thing. Cara opened her eyes and began to play. ------------ Aaron flopped into his bed. The moon shined brightly from outside the window, and his bed was soft and warm beneath his back. His pillow smelled like pine and fire ash, and the stream babbled merrily from outside the treehouse. On any normal night, this would be more than enough to send him drifting off to sleep. But this wasn't a normal night. His eyes had been opened to a world of dazzling colors and soaring wings, of twinkling delights and spinning dances. Spiraling ever higher like two birds dancing amidst the clouds, diving into the deepest of pools and swimming through the crystalline waters like a fish: the music of the violin had brought him to places he had only ever imagined before. Places he had only seen in dreams, in those blissful hours between darkest oblivion and brightest reality. His eyes prickled and stung, and something- two somethings- burned fiery tracks down his cheeks. Aaron didn't bother to reach up and wipe them away. He liked them, they reminded him of what he had seen, what he had felt. It was so amazing, like he had been dancing with the stars, their twinkling lights pulsing all around him in a beat so inescapable, so enchanting that he couldn't help but be pulled in ever deeper. He had to feel that again. Aaron had to learn how to do this, how to make... make music like that! He hopped out of bed, careful not to disturb Gwen, and climbed out of the treehouse. His right foot thumped against the ground before his left, and he staggered and almost fell. He caught himself on the tree and looked around. It was easy to see. The moon was full, the stars were out, and little fairy lights shone and faded, shone and faded all around the clearing. Aaron began to run towards Cara's house. He knew he should walk, knew that his footsteps were disturbing the night's peace, but he didn't care, he wanted to see that violin now! He jumped over the stream and skidded to a halt at her treehouse. He swallowed and climbed up the tree, stepping through the doorway and into her room. She was fast asleep, and her blue fairy's light was dim- he was resting too. Aaron's eyes cast around the room, searching... searching... there! Lying carefully on her bedside table was the violin in all its wooden glory. He crossed the room and ran a hand over it. It was magnificent, a work of art, and the music it made was even more amazing than its appearance. He had to know how it worked. He had to hear its music again. He glanced again at the soundly sleeping Cara and borrowed the violin out of her treehouse. ------------ Aaron lifted the long stick, the violin held awkwardly in his other hand. This was really weird. It was just kinda dangling from his left hand, and Aaron had to use a lot of hand strength to keep the bigger part from dipping against the ground. He decided that it would be easier to play on his lap. That wasn't how Cara played it, but what difference could it make, really? He put the violin in his lap. There. Much better. He held the wooden stick against the strings delicately, his hand quivering with anticipation. He was about to hear, about to hear the greatness that had opened his eyes and made him dance with the moon and the stars above! He pulled the wooden stick against the strings. The screeching noise that clawed its way out of the violin made him drop the stick and clap his hands over his ears, shivering. “What was that?” The question was to himself. He was sitting against a tree a long ways away from the collection of tree-houses. He hadn't wanted anyone else to hear the violin's music, and now he was glad that he had chosen this remote location to try it out. He'd be so embarrassed if someone had actually heard- “Ew,” a girl's voice said from behind him. Aaron jumped, the violin falling off his lap and into the grass. “Careful!” It was Branwyn, her long green hair reaching down to the small of her back. Her pink fairy was sitting on her shoulder, and Aaron flushed to the tips of his ears at the surprise audience. “You what you doing what are you here?” His words came out jumbled and mushed together in his humiliation. His eyes were focused on her tan shoes; he couldn't bring himself to really look at her. Too embarrassing. “I followed you,” she said, her voice light and airy. “Not very sneaky, are you?” His ears were getting really hot now. He wished he had the stream to dunk them in. That might've helped, maybe. Maybe. “You're playing it wrong,” Branwyn said. She crossed over and took the violin from its resting place in the grass, settling it underneath her chin. “See?” She handed it back to Aaron, who tried it out. It was still awkward, but it felt much better than just holding it in one hand, and it seemed right, unlike its old position on his lap. “But that's not yours,” she said, holding out a hand for it. Reluctantly, he handed it over to her. “It's already bonded to Cara.” She smiled at the violin, running a hand over its smooth brown surface. “It won't play for anyone else.” Branwyn grinned and turned her attention to the violin, speaking directly to it now. “I know, I know, he tried to steal you away from Cara, but don't worry! Branwyn will take you home, yes I will!” “I stidn't deal it!” Aaron protested hotly. “I borrowed it!” Branwyn didn't answer. She turned and gently set the violin down, leaning it up against a nearby oak tree. “Don't you worry,” she crooned to it, “I'll be right back!” “Why violin are you are talking to the violin?” Aaron asked. “It's complicated,” Brawnyn said, turning back to him. She stared at him for a good few moments, her bright blue eyes boring a hole into his brain. It made Aaron feel really, really uncomfortable. He shuffled his feet and looked away. “Enjoyed the performance, then?” “Yeah,” he said, his voice low, his toe prodding a piece of upturned soil. “That's good,” Branwyn said. “I suppose you took the violin because you wanted to make music too?” Aaron nodded mutely. “How would you like to have your own instrument?” Aaron's head popped up. “Like,” he said, “my own violin?” Branwyn considered him. “No,” she said slowly, “I don't think so. You don't seem the type.... Still, that'll come later. Do you want to make your own music?” Aaron's head bobbed up and down so quickly that he got a little dizzy. “Alrighty then,” Branwyn said. “Come back here tomorrow at high noon and you'll have an instrument of your very own.” ----------- “You did what?” Gwen's voice was like a thunderstorm that was rumbling on the horizon. The wrath of the hot flashes of lightning had not yet arrived, but the cracklings and thunderings of the rapidly approaching gray cloud warned that an explosion of fiery fury was on the way. “You... stole Cara's violin?” “Borrowed!” Aaron interjected, stepping over a really large root and ducking underneath a tree branch. The sun was hot today, but he didn't mind. He was too excited about what would soon come, about Branwyn giving him his very own instrument! He wondered what it would be. She said it wouldn't be a violin (still confused about that), so what else was there? “Stole her violin,” Gwen continued hotly, bulldozing over his interjection and stamping its corpse into the ground without any semblance of mercy, “and took it into the woods? Alone, without waking me?” “Well,” Aaron said, sidestepping a patch of deer droppings, “I knew you wouldn't let me, so I-” “Of course I wouldn't let you!” Gwen exploded, her aura flashing. “Of all the stupid, irresponsible, reckless things you could have done-” “We're here!” Aaron said suddenly, stopping in his tracks. Gwen growled, clearly angry at having her tirade interrupted. “Shh,” he said, waving down her protestations. “Branwyn's waiting for us.” “Branwyn,” Gwen hissed at the girl as she came into view, “I would have thought you'd have more sense! And you,” she said, turning her anger on the girl's pink fairy, “what were you thinking? Letting them out like this, letting them steal Cara's-” “It's alright, Gwen,” the male fairy said, his voice soothing as he drifted closer to his upset kin. “We had him return it the moment we found them. No harm done.” “No harm done?” Gwen screeched, her voice clawing its way up the registers until not even a Keese would've been able to hear it. “No harm-” “Yes,” the pink fairy said, his pink aura mixing with her yellow one. “It's alright, Gwen.” Gwen huffed, her aura flickering. “Well,” she sputtered, “well, that's just-” “Why don't we talk over here,” the pink fairy said, leading her away from the two Kokiri. “We shouldn't argue in front of them.” The two hovered a distance away, their two auras mixing as they argued, their words inaudible to the two Forest Children. Aaron rubbed his neck and smiled weakly at Branwyn. “So,” he said, “where's my instrument?” Branwyn giggled. “I'm not going to give it to you, silly,” she said, “you have to make it!” Aaron cocked his head and stared, not really sure what his sister meant. “Make it?” “Yup!” She took his hand and led him through the trees, past towering oaks and stubby shrubbery, and stopped suddenly and without warning. Aaron looked around, confused; this patch of the Forest seemed no different than any other. Branwyn knelt down and ran her hands over the earth, over where a series of tree nuts were lying in the soil. “Pick one,” she said, “and hold it in your hand.” Aaron knelt down beside her. He had absolutely no idea what she was going on about, but if playing along would make her give him an instrument, he would have sworn that the moon was made of cottage cheese. His hand hovered over the collection of nuts, then reached down and selected one at random. “There,” he said. “Got one.” “Good,” she said. She stood and led him over to a patch of sunlit ground where there were no shrubs or trees or anything of the sort. Aaron hardly noticed that the two fairies had quietly drifted back towards them and were watching silently. The bit of him that did notice was just thankful that Gwen wasn't yelling anymore. Branwyn knelt down again, and he put the fairies out of his mind. “Come on,” she said, patting the ground. He joined her in the soil. “Plant the seed,” she said. Aaron yanked out a handful of earth from the ground, making a hole in the soil. He dropped the nut into it and covered it back up again. “There,” he said. “Now what?” “Now,” Branwyn said, “is where the magic comes in.” The girl stood, her green hair blazing in the sunlight pouring in through a patch in the trees overhead. Her blue eyes shone clearly from inside her face, which had somehow remained pale, despite all the time she had spent playing in the trees. “That seed will grow into a sapling,” she said, “no, hush- just listen. I'm going to channel the magic of the Woods to make it grow, and you're going to sculpt it into an instrument that's forever bonded to you.” “Sculpt it?” Aaron said. “How?” Her green eyes flashed. “Magic,” she said. “Now, before I begin,” she said, “are you absolutely sure that you want to make music? This can't be done lightly; whatever you make now is yours forever.” In the middle of the forest clearing, trees towering above him like bright towers of brown and green, sunlight streaming in between the leaves and painting the forest floor bright green and gold, Aaron licked his lips. “Yes,” he said, “I want music. I want to feel like I did when... when Cara played. I want to soar.” “Very well,” she said, “we begin now.” ------------ The sunlight streamed all around her, emeralds blazing in her green hair, her eyes shining like sapphires. Her pale hand lifted to the side, her foot tapped one, two, three, four times, and she began to dance. The sunlight seemed to follow her, her steps worked to the same beat as the wind whistling between the trees, and her body moved in rhythm with the Forest, a rhythm who's effects were the only things that Aaron could detect. She danced around him in circles of varying radii, still moving to that invisible, inaudible beat. Aaron glanced to the fairies; they swayed from side to side to that same beat, their auras flickering in time to the dance. They could feel the beat, feel... whatever it was that Branwyn felt. Was this the song of the Forest? He felt a stab of jealousy, of frustration, but a rumbling beside his hand made him look round. Something green was pushing its way up through the soil. Leaves pushed out and the tip reached for the skies in time to that same unknowable beat. Aaron remembered what Branwyn had said about sculpting the seed and grabbed it with his hands. Warmth flashed through his body, an electric sensation of feeling that dominated his mind and held his body fast. Magic raced through him, setting every pore of his being ablaze. He felt something within him stir, something deep inside, something that had long been slumbering in some recess of his being. Aaron's own energies, energies he hadn't even known he possessed, rose up to meet the call of the foreign magic. It danced with it, moving in time to the beat of the Forest, two alien energies entwining together as one. Aaron felt his spirit lift off from the ground and fly, fly above the treetops and through the canopy of puffy clouds, up to where there was nothing between himself and the twinkling stars but an endless expanse of blue. His hands worked with the beat of the flight, barely conscious of the movements his fingers and palms were making. He guided the sapling up as it grew, up into the rich sunlight and treeless air. Then, as if on a whim, he molded a branch from the trunk. He stretched the wooden material out, pulling it and shaping it until it protruded from the trunk. His fingers danced along its surface, pushing, probing, poking, and pulling, until finally, with a small pop, he disconnected the branch from the trunk. Branwyn froze in mid-step, her hand extended towards Aaron. “Now,” she said, holding the pose as effortlessly as if she were merely stretched out against a tree, “play it.” Aaron didn't need to look down to see what he had made. A wooden flute sat in his hands, a seamless joining of wood that no carpenter or artisan could ever hope to achieve. It had been grown, not carved, and as he lifted it to his lips, he knew that it was bonded forever to him. He blew into the flute, and the note came out soft and clear, reverberating through the Forest as a declaration of his triumph. Aaron lowered the flute and smiled at Branwyn, a great smile that seemed to reach from pointed ear to pointed ear. He opened his mouth to say something, but he stopped abruptly. Something was tickling the edges of his mind, something new, something that hadn't been there before. Echoing off of every leaf and twig and petal, it began in the heart of the Woods and reverberated through the very earth itself into all the corners of the Forest. It was a song, a song of life, a song who's beat was enough to tap his feet and nod his head without even realizing what he was doing. He looked around and saw that Gwen's aura was flickering to the same beat, that the wind blew through the branches to the same beat, and he knew that Branwyn's dance had moved to the same beat. He looked up at Brawnyn. “The Song of the Forest. I can hear it now.”
