Companions

all of this was written while distracted by other things, sometimes late a night, and some of it while intoxicated. Its not proofed. Some of it was proofed while intoxicated, the rest is not proofed. Its basically my definition of doodling with words.

I advise never doing a solo quest.

take this song, one of the reasons why I actually ended up posting this was so I could pimp it out.


=============


“You’re looking perfectly capable as usual, Wiki,” an exasperated voice rang out.

Her eyes shot open in spite of the pain. That voice.

“Hello Spaghetti,” she responded instantly and refused to get up from her lying position on the floor, but she flipped around to face him. It’s not like she could move around in here much anyways, they had finally gotten wise and started to use shackles on her. Dicks. … but to be fair, she was more than capable of walking over and properly greeting Spaghet. She was just… Wiki. “It’s been awhile.”

A groan escaped the moblin when Wiki called him by that stupid nickname. His face contorted, and instead of responding right away, he just offered Wiki a face of disgust. Why did he continue to put up with her? More importantly, why did he even decide to take her on yet again? Spaghet sighed, the disgust previously in his face after being called such a vile name fading. Of course he knew very well why he had decided to help out the Deku time and time again.

“So… you’ve gotten yourself into quite a pickle this time, Wiki,” the moblin said, riffling through some of the papers he had brought with him. Spaghet sighed. Even she could see this wasn’t a case she was going to win, even with his help. It’s not like she ever contacted him anymore outside of when she needed his legal help, and he could hardly call her anything more than an acquaintance anymore, if that, even. At this point, their relationship was purely professional, although even that definition was steadily wavering.

“Harassment.. assault.. arson.. multiple accounts of murder..” he sighed and looked up at her, noticing she had returned to facing the wall and not throwing her usual hissy fits and bouts protests Spaghet had been so accustomed to when he usually read out her itinerary of crimes. He cocked a brow. Wiki was… unusually placid. “… is something wrong?” At that, Wiki shot a glare towards Spaghet, saying nothing, just staring at him.

“Of course something is wrong,” she growled, turning back to face the wall again. She voice hushed to nearly a whisper. “I’m so screwed Spaghet.” She began to tremble, and Spaghet’s eyes grew wide… before narrowing again. There was absolutely no way Wiki was crying – Dekus couldn’t even cry – plus, this was Wiki. Spaghet knew her well enough.

“Cut the act,” Spaghet said, lip curling. It seemed as though this was the natural state his face was in whenever he was around this girl. “You’re getting no sympathy from me, not this time.”

Wiki stopped shaking suddenly, knowing her act was finished. Slowly and without facing Spaghet, she began to rise from her laying position on the floor. She took her time making her way to the front of the cell, out of the shadows and into the light. Spaghet’s face didn’t soften. The moblin took a moment to inspect Wiki. It seemed that she was being well taken care of, completely contradicting the narrative of abuse faced by the guards that she had to given Spaghet. They had even taken the time to heal her of the wounds she claimed were still bleeding… although her snout remained rather mangled. Spaghet smiled.

“I was surprised that snout lasted this long.”

Wiki’s face contorted as much as a Deku’s face could contort. Holy shit. Holy shit if her fingers weren’t covered she would set this little shit stain on fire. It didn’t matter that they had history or that he was her lawyer. Wiki began to tremble and Spaghet’s eyes widened. Even she didn’t want a scene.

“You know I was joking,” he said, raising his hands slightly above her head. Although it didn’t do anything to calm Wiki down, Spaghet already knew she wasn’t much of a threat right now. Besides, the most she ever did was deck him, and there were steel bars between them now. Spaghet sighed. “.. I really wish you would have called for me before escaping from that jail.”

“Fuck off,” Wiki spat suddenly, slamming the bars with her shackles. Spaghet instantly jumped away, some of his papers falling to the ground. “W-Wait man I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she stammered.. before accidentally slamming her shackles against the bars again because she tried to help catch the papers. Spaghet of course responded in tune, the sudden noise making him drop even more. Great.

“You’re not sorry,” Spaghet sighed, finally grabbing the last piece of paper off the dirty jail floor. He frowned. Disgusting. After looking back up at Wiki and standing up as straight as he could (which wasn’t very straight), he spoke slowly. “I know you well enough to know you’re not sorry.”

“Rude,” Wiki said. “Rude and false. Why would I want my lawyers papers and shit covered in… well y.. oh Spaghet come on man don’t make that face I swear if you vomit I will beat the shit out of you.”

Spaghet sighed, wiping some unknown goop from the top piece of parchment. He shivered. Although he’d rather avoid such.. gross things and disgusting places, he could tolerate them. He was a Yettin after all. He looked over at Wiki. Her standards for what constituted as a disgusting place were… much lower than his.

“Wiki please,” Spaghet began. “Can we just… actually talk, for once?”

“Abso—“ Wiki was about to begin another long rant… but then paused. Her eyes narrowed. “… What the hell do you mean by ‘actually talk’.”

“You know exactly what I mean by that,” Spaghet said, adjusting his glasses. “You haven’t spoken to me in years! Years Wiki! What… What have you even been doing for that long?! H-How did you lose track of so much time?!” Spaghet wiped his brow. He was sweating under his wig. “H-How?! W-What did you do go hide out in a cave for a couple years or so?!”

Wiki’s eyes dropped immediately to the floor. She sheepishly darted her eyes to the side. It took Spaghet a moment… but once realization kicked in, his eyes began to narrow until they were nearly slits.

“Don’t tell me,” he said.

“Yup,” Wiki responded flatly.

Spaghet closed his eyes and bit his lip. How? Why? For what purpose?! The Bokoblin breathed deeply, trying to sort out his emotions and thoughts. What did Wiki do with her life besides run around like a deranged hobo, hiding in caves and wasting everyone’s time? She was so incredibly selfish. Even Spaghet couldn’t justify being that much of an asshole. He finally opened his eyes, looking down at Wiki. He had hadn’t even been here for half an hour and he was already exhausted. He bit at his nails as he thought. Wiki just waited. Spaghet sighed.. if there was one thing he did appreciate about her, it was that she was perceptive. She always knew when to give him some time to process things. It wasn’t out of consideration; Wiki just hated explaining shit twice.

“Wiki have… have you done anything besides lie and cheat and steal for the past couple of years?” Spaghet said softly. Wiki blinked, her eyes shooting up to the ceiling. Spaghet instantly regretted asking the question.

“Well.. uh, ok, honestly…” Wiki said, looking at him. “… Yeah, yeah I have. Absolutely yes I have Spaghet, holy shit.” She crossed her arms. The chains on her shackles were long enough for her to do so. “… Back to the cave thing.” Spaghet looked like he was about to speak up in protest, but Wiki banged on the bars again to shut him up. Luckily his papers didn’t go flying this time. “… I uh, I’ve done a lot of things, actually. I’ve met a lot of awful people, some.. eh, not completely awful people, spent way too much fucking time reading and cooking so uh.. y’know, so it’s not bad.” Wiki shrugged, before suddenly changing the subject. “Burrito dead yet?”

“W-Wiki,” Spaghet choked out, wincing. “Please don’t talk about my dog like that.”

“I’m serious,” Wiki said. “It smells weird.”

“You smell weird,” Spaghet said. “You smell like – “ he inhaled, finally realizing that… she did smell a bit strange. And not just the usual Wiki smell of blood and gore. Luckily, Spaghet didn’t mind the smell of blood. Tolerating that smell was a quality one needed to possess when one was around Wiki. He sighed when he realized what was different about her smell. “Of course.” Wiki’s expression immediately perked up when she saw the understanding in his eyes.

If Spaghet had to be honest, he was .. a bit envious of what he could only guess was a recent ability to cast spells without the use of an instrument. Why else would her hands in particular be restricted in such a way? And she smelled… different, that was for sure. Spaghet blinked. He was.. a bit more than worried that he was able to detect a difference in Wiki’s scent after so many years apart. He looked down at her, realizing that he had moved much closer to the bars to smell her better. He quickly backed away, shuffling through his papers.

“Right then,” he said, smiling. Finally, something he was comfortable with. “Onto your favorite part of our meetings.”

Wiki groaned.

---

The more Spaghet talked, the more Wiki wanted to sit down. Fuck it, she sat down. She laid down, she rolled onto her side. She groaned and moaned and ignored him.

“Spaghet.”

“… and furthermore, it’s important Wiki to realize that you.. “

“Spaghet.”

“.. considering all of the charges against you and…”

“SPAGHET,” Wiki screeched, slamming her chains against the bars. Spaghet jumped back, clearly startled. Again. After the shaking in his hands calmed, he sighed, looking down at her. She was still laying down on the ground. How disrespectful. Wiki… Wiki really was obnoxious.

“… What? What else could you possibly want?” Spaghet said, clearly annoyed. “And was it really necessary for you to—“

“—I’m not goin’ to trial.”

Spaghet blinked at her. For a moment, he just thought that he had misheard her. No, no absolutely not. He did not just spend hours of his time preparing this stupid case for Wiki, defending her, at her request, payment deferred to be told that she wasn’t going to trial.

“Yes,” Spaghet hissed. “You are.”

“No,” Wiki said, getting up and staring him in the eyes. “I’m not.”

Spaghet’s eyes narrowed back at her, his anger rising. Why did Wiki always do this to him?! More importantly.. why did he continue to allow this to occur?! He bit his lip until he tasted blood. He stared down at her for as long as he could without blinking. He knew that he wouldn’t win the staring contest, it’s not like she needed to blink very much.

“Spaghet, listen, I… sort of didn’t call you here to vouch for me in court,” Wiki said, her voice lowering. She looked around, quickly, hoping that whatever guards were nearby didn’t care. To be fair, they were probably enjoying the fact that for once while she was talking, she was whispering. “I need your help breaking out.”

“What?!” Spaghet nearly yelled his response… before realizing where he was, and who could be listening. His eyes darted around nervously. “Wiki please…” Wiki gave him an odd look, but it was one he was familiar with. He looked around. The.. the guards weren’t paying much attention. Wiki had a strange sleeping schedule, so he figured that the odd time to meet her was just another one of her awful accommodations.. but he now understood that meeting at 3am usually meant the guards who might be listening were tired.

He instantly felt bad for the other prisoners who he had probably disturbed with his legalese throughout the night. However, glancing around, Spaghet noticed a lack of prisoners around Wiki’s cell. Was she really that obnoxious that they had isolated her? His eyes glided over to Wiki again. She looked… smug. He couldn’t help but notice her luck in securing a cell so out of the way…

“You think I wasn’t listening, but I was,” Wiki began. False. “Listen man, I know my chances. I’m not dumb, shit man, I’m a lot smarter than you – “

“—Wiki – “

“—and I know that the best you can probably do for me is try to schmooze the judge and get me a nicer but way more permanent jail cell. Or off the chopping block. That… Y’know not getting executed is probably something you could get for me too.”

Spaghet was about to speak… but then pursed his lips. Wiki was right. He really didn’t want to admit Wiki was right. He had been dreading this case ever since he had gotten that screechy voice delivered to him on the wind. Startled the dickens out of him, made him spill his drink, and had given him nightmares ever since. He looked down at Wiki, recalling his dreams. His lips relaxed and he sighed, slumping down even more than usual. Wiki’s eyes grew wide.

“No,” she said, shaking her head, her eyes growing wider, her voice unusually shaky. “Don’t tell me. Don’t you dare fucking tell me.”

Spaghet quickly inhaled, straightening his back. Was he still so easy to read?

“… I mean.. they…” he began, scratching at his snout. “… they didn’t… directly involve… your… your… .. trial… … per say”

“Yeah don’t shit with me Spaghet!” Wiki shouted, gripping at her leaves – or at least she tried to, forgetting for a moment she had hand covering shackles on. “When the fuck are you gonna wake up and realize there’s something wacky going on with your head?!”

Spaghet frowned. Ever since childhood, Wiki had the unusual assertion that his nightmares were not nightmares, and were in fact Prophetic in nature. He sighed and began rubbing his temples. Once she was convinced, there was absolutely nothing he could do to make her think otherwise.

“Please, Wiki… don’t take this the wrong way, but … well,” he sighed deeply, trying to phrase this correctly. How could Spaghet tell her she was crazy? Or at least incredibly unstable?! That whenever he told her about his nightmares (or dreams), she’d freak out if they didn’t come true, so he hated telling her even though she made him anyways?! Didn’t she understand how much pressure that put him under?! Spaghet’s head hurt. It hurt a lot. He was so tired of dealing with Wiki tonight. How dare she ask him to help her break out of jail? How dare she?!

Spaghet hadn’t realized that he had begun to shake. The moblin paused, collecting himself and adjusting his glasses and wig.

“I don’t… do that sort of thing, Wiki,” Spaghet said, as forcefully as he could manage with his normal voice. He pulled at his collar. “Please.. I’ve asked you multiple times not to ask me to assist you in such activities.”

“Bullshit,” Wiki spat. The moblin shushed her, but her voice continued to rise. “I fuckin’ know you Spaghet, you used to be cool.” False. Spaghet was always a nerd. Wiki was always a nerd, albeit a sociopathic nerd. The only reason why her and Spaghet got along at all was because they were both into a lot of the same activities, especially avoiding family members at parties. Wiki also had an incredibly dominant personality. It was the perfect storm. Wiki sighed, looking solemnly at the ground. “… come on man, please?”

“No, absolutely not,” He straightened up again. He cleared his throat – the one tell that always gave away his Ventriloquism trick. “And I mean it.”

“Stop it with that,” Wiki scoffed, crossing her arms again, a sigh escaping the moblin. “I hate it when you pull illusions and shit on me. T-That’s my shtick.” The Deku sat down. Fuck it, she was tired, and Spaghet was starting to really piss her off. “Get out of here.”

Spaghet sighed and broke eye contact with her. Another overreaction. He glanced up at the bars in the small, lonely window of her cell. His eyes widened, sunlight was beginning to rise. Had he really talked to Wiki for so long? There was a hint of unmistakable sadness in the sigh he released while rustling through his papers and Wiki stirred slightly, leaves rustling. His eyes floated down to Wiki one last time.

By this point, he had wasted enough time in silence that she had turned around, facing the other direction. What a little brat… although Spaghet had to admit, she was rather tolerable when she was quiet. How else would he had wasted so much time with her? (Maybe it’s because it was your job, Spaghet. This was your job.)

“Well, it was… certainly an experience to see you again, Wiki,” Spaghet finally said, putting the papers back into a leather case. “… but at this juncture, I don’t really see how I can see myself representing you in this trial. And… you also made it clear you have no intent to participate.” Wiki made a disgruntled noise and the moblin rolled his eyes. Of course, the silent treatment. Not even a proper goodbye when he tried to be civil, Wiki really was a little piece of sh—

“Spaghet,” Wiki said, her voice raspier than usual. He turned around, his eyes immediately shooting back towards the source of the noise. She cleared her voice before continuing, her voice clearer. “… I didn’t talk to you because you told me never to talk to you. I mean… we… ok come on man, we did sort of have that fight.”

Spaghet slowly scratched at the back of his neck. Wiki wasn’t wrong about that. For some reason, the skin under his wig felt hotter than it usually did. He couldn’t help but become aware of the presence of the thing. Dammit. He adjusted his glasses.

“It isn’t… it isn’t really fair to expect me to try to keep in touch with someone who tells me not to talk to them, now isn’t it?” Wiki’s voice was dangerously malevolent. “You know, Spaghet, I’ll remember this.”

“… I’m sure you will, Wiki,” Spaghet sighed. He turned around again and his eyelids drooped. Bed was definitely calling his name. Maybe he’d just… call in sick tomorrow. Dealing with Wiki warranted enough to call in a mental health day. He glanced back in her direction, noticing that Wiki was still just… staring out the window. … Maybe he needed a mental health week. The thought clicked something on in Spaghet’s head. Suddenly, he stopped walking. “… … No, no … … I…” Spaghet turned around to face the Deku scrub. “… no, Wiki… … I… I think it’d be better … I think it’d be better if we kept our relationship purely professional at this point. And if you won't go to trial, I think we're done here.” Now it was time for Wiki to turn around, and boy did she whip around fast. Spaghet’s jaw nearly dropped at her speed.

“… … … What the fuck,” she hissed. Wiki slammed her shackles on the ground before standing up abruptly. She clanged them against the bars, Spaghet winced. She was pissed, livid even… but then something hit her. Fuck. No, not this feeling again. Wiki’s snout contorted in ways that it wasn’t used to. “Y-You too?!”

Spaghet’s eyes darted to the ground. So his fears were confirmed. She really had made more enemies than friends in their time spent apart. He looked back up at her and immediately regretted the decision. Wiki stared at the ground, a defeated look on her face. The moblin could only pray this was just another one of Wiki’s acts. He wasn’t as good at reading people as she was nor was he as good at blocking out other people’s emotional reactions.

“… … I …” Spaget floundered. He didn’t really know what to say. Wiki, however, was happy to fill the void.

“—Y-You’re basically family at this point and you throw me under a cart?!” Wiki’s voice began rise once again. She looked up. “Scum! Pondwater! You’re Trash! Trash, Spaghet!” Wiki’s voice became more and more shrill and Spaghet attempted to shush her. It was no use. “The pot’s been boiling long enough with you in it and I’m fucking glad to throw out the soggy noodles that you call your piss poor excuse of an existence!” She was screeching by now, jumping up and down and rattling her chains.

Spaghet backed away slowly from Wiki’s cell, noticing that the guards and other prisoners were beginning to stir. Two guards were beginning to walk towards Spaghet and Wiki, roused from their dreamy state (and convenient posts behind a corner) by her screaming and the other prisoner’s shouts. He quickly bowed to Wiki, muttering something at her and doing his best to ignore the slew of insults that she was screeching at him.

Time to go.

----

Wiki appeared on his doorstep three nights later.

The only reason why Spaghet let her into his house was because he didn’t want his neighbors to see him speaking to her. Plus, he wasn’t a complete asshole like she was. Once he had locked the door, he spun around and could only glare at her. Her incessant pounding had woken him up, and he didn’t doubt that some of the neighbors had probably been awakened too. For a long time, Wiki and Spaghet stared at each other. Unfortunately, Spaghet was too angry to speak and Wiki hadn’t come up with a good quip yet to break the silence.

Luckily, Burrito was here. Burrito was dumb. Burrito loved Wiki. The small terrier jumped at her, trying to reach her snout to give her a kiss. Wiki tried to shove it off, but it was no use. The dog could not be stopped.

“G-Get this piece of shit out of my face Spaghetti,” Wiki said, doing her best to keep the dog from overpowering her. She wasn’t short enough that the thing could reach her face, but Wiki was tired enough from breaking out of prison to be pushed down by this hyperactive useless slab of meat.

“’O-Out of my face?!’” Spaghet repeated, storming over to Wiki. He pushed Burrito out of the way (gently, of course) and the dog barked stupidly. He stared down at the Deku, towering over her. Wiki didn’t flinch. “H-How dare you, Wiki?! How dare you?!”

“… easily… ?” she said, not really minding the lack of space between them. “Listen I, uh, I’m… I’m sorry, I’m really fucking sorry.” She said, looking up at Spaghet. He backed away from her, still furious. But it wasn’t worth compromising his space bubble if it wasn’t going to be useful in intimidating Wiki to get the hell out of his house. Wiki held up her hands and Spaghet noticed her shackles were off. He sighed. He wasn’t interested in the details, he really wasn’t.

“… Please just.. just get out of my house,” Spaghet said, clearly tired both physically and mentally. He had just had an awful day of work, and he was certain he was going to have such a pleasant one tomorrow, considering his former client just broke out of jail. He winced, realizing that he had forgotten to turn in that paperwork. Oh no.. Oh no… he looked down at Wiki. He … still didn’t represent her, did he?! His body turned cold, and he gripped at his head. He felt incredibly naked without his wig on. Spaghet began to pace, his breathing quickened. Wiki’s eyes narrowed.

“Please, holy shit, not now,” Wiki groaned, marching over to the moblin. “I don’t have time to deal with your anxiety and stress and whatever bullshi—“

“WIKI!” Spaghet screamed, and the Deku jumped back. “PLEASE.” Her eyes widened. It.. it really had been awhile.

“… shit man, fine, sorry,” she mumbled, slowly backing away from him. Her eyes darted around the room. There was that piece of shit Burrito, lying in his overpriced bed that Spaghet spoiled him with. It perked up as soon as Wiki spotted him and she recoiled. Augh. There was Spaghet’s nice bookshelf, his solid table, his fancy teapot, some more unnecessary furniture, and of course his stupid ass desk that was disgustingly clean. She looked back over to Spaghet, and noticed his breathing had slowed. He had stopped pacing. He was now biting at his nails and staring at her. Her eyes darted to the ground before she spoke.

“I didn’t mean to make you upset,” Wiki said. She shrugged. “It just happens sometimes.”

“Well with you it happens a lot,” Spaghet snapped back. Wiki’s eyes darted around the room again. A sigh escaped him. He rubbed under his eyes. It was late. Wiki was… Wiki was here. Trying to kick her out at this point was an uphill battle Spaghet was not willing to participate in.

He couldn’t believe he was doing this.

“Fine, just…” he began, all of his instincts telling him it was a bad idea. He looked up and towards the ceiling, stretching his back before he spoke. He rocked on his heels and nibbled at his thumb … before finally speaking again. “Y-You can stay … just, don’t… just be out by morning.” He looked her, his lip curled. “.. and absolutely don’t touch anything. You’re filthy.”

Wiki looked down at herself, stretching in various positions in an attempt to see all over her cloak. Shit, even though it wasn’t very bright in his house, Wiki could see that her outfit was pretty fucking gross. Rolling around in a prison cell would do that to a thing. Also not washing it. Or… changing it. For like three weeks. And then killing things in it.

“What?” Wiki said, looking up at Spaghet. Her eyes flashed. “I remember when you used to like the smell of blood.”

“I never liked the smell of blood, Wiki,” he sighed. “I just.. I tolerate it.”

“Lies,” Wiki said, closing her eyes and crossing her arms. “All lies.” She opened one eye and looked at Spaghet. “Come on man, we used to have fu—“

“Yes, used to, Wiki,” Spaghet sighed, wiping his glasses on his robe. Suddenly, he became quite aware of how differently he and Wiki were dressed. It put him ill at ease. At least he wasn’t filthy, and despite how unprofessional he looked. She could have caught him on a night where he was too tired to put a robe on before answering the door. … Maybe it was a good thing she knocked so loud. The noise woke him up well enough.

Spaghet sighed, slowly moving over to his dresser. The moblin began rifling through his things, looking for something in particular. Wiki craned her neck in an attempt to see what he was doing. Spaghet’s mind began to wander. He had never killed anyone, he had stolen, once, and then cried about it… His record was pretty clean when it came to the law, unlike his fri-- client. Hopefully ex-client by morning.

“Ah!” He exclaimed when he finally found it and Wiki’s brows perked up. Spaghet turned around and threw some fabric at her. She instinctually winced before catching it. Wiki’s eyes looked down to the crumpled piece of fabric.

“… No shit,” Wiki mumbled. She grinned. Looking up at her Spaghet, her grin got more and more wicked. Spaghet’s eyes darted to the side. Why was she staring at him like that? He yanked at his robe’s collar. “Thanks man,” She spread out what was clearly a garment, admiring it. Clean clothes.

The Deku put the piece of fabric up to her snout and inhaled deeply. Although she would never have a sense of smell as good as her moblin friend, his influence on her life had taught her to hone her sense a bit. Helped when he insisted she hold pots and trim the delicate flowers on his more jumpier days. Wiki was glad her face was busy buried in some piece of cloth. Spaghet wouldn’t see her brow furrow in what could only be attributed to an obvious expression of guilt.

Spaghet watched as Wiki inspected the piece of cloth it like it was a fine linen. He blinked. It was.. odd, that Wiki took pleasure in such little things. A sigh escaped the moblin. He supposed a new piece of clothing would be a treasure for someone who admitted to living in a cave.

“… So you kept it, after all this time?”

Spaghet’s body instantly stiffened. He looked down at Wiki. She looked, oh no, not that expression. His eyes darted to the side, he was doing everything in his power to avoid looking at her and to avoid thinking about how much he really, really didn’t want to deal with her right now.

“B-Burrito!” He called, “T-Time to go out.”

“No!” Wiki screeched, stomping her foot. “Absolutely not, you’re not getting out of this one.” Spaghet shushed her… and also shushed Burrito who had begun to bark in excitement at the prospect of going outside. His dog had the IQ of a turnip and was usually friendlier than Wiki… but they were both prone to bouts of noisiness.

“After,” he said, quickly ushering his dog to the door, attaching his leash. Wiki grimaced. Of course that stupid dog would have a collar. At least most cat owners didn’t bother to collar their stupid things. Wiki would eat a stray cat before she'd eat someone's dog. Hey, Wiki wasn’t the worst person in the universe. She wasn’t Sienna. Her eyes darted up to Spaghet nervously. Wiki’s eyes quickly moved to the dog. Stupid people and their stupid canine companions.

Back to the collar thing. Sure, Wiki had a pretty extensive list of awful things she had done, true, but she would never eat a pet that was collared. People got ridiculously attached to those stupid things. Most people who didn’t put collars on their cats didn’t give a shit. Or were stupid. Because you can’t get in trouble for eating an uncollared cat if it just happens to wander near your cave…

She watched Spaghet tie up his robe properly before he walked out the door. Like Wiki, he tended not to wear shoes. They were uncomfortable and he didn’t like the way they fit around his feet. Besides, Moblins had pretty hardy feet. They weren’t squishy like Hylians, a fact Wiki could always appreciate. She glanced down at the garment he had given her, smelling how clean it was again before throwing off her clothes and slipping it on.

Wiki glanced around; Spaghet had to have a mirror around here somewhere. Her eyes quickly scanned the room before she spotted a small hand-mirror near Spaghet’s wigstand. She cocked an eyebrow. Of course. She quickly skittered up the side of the dresser. The damn thing was taller than her, but Spaghet knew nothing could keep Wiki from something she wanted. The Deku quickly swiped the thing off the top of the dresser before jumping down, landing startlingly gracefully for the Deku. She blinked. The amount of times she had made that same motion had basically engrained it into her muscle memory.

The mirror uncharacteristically trembled as Wiki held it up to her face. She absentmindedly inspected the damage. If she was going to be honest, the closest mirror she knew of was Spaghet’s... and going to his house was easier than going through a guard’s things and trying to find one. Besides, she could probably squeeze a decent meal out of him. Or two. She glanced up at the door. Spaghet was… taking an excessive amount of time to take out his dog.

Out of habit, she glanced around for hiding places. She… she knew Spaghet, the moblin and her had history… but even Wikitoria Levett knew that she could only ride on certain coattails for so long. He wouldn’t rat her out though, would he? Not Spaghet. She glanced down at her outfit. Fuck. She’d really hate to go back to jail in this.

Luckily, Wiki’s heart was allowed to stop racing when the moblin hurriedly entered again, Burrito’s tail wagging. Wiki’s expression soured. That mangy mutt was a breeding ground of slobber. Always got in her skin and made her feel… she could only really describe the feeling she felt the next day as “more porous”. It was a Deku thing. Don’t try to understand. Spaghet didn’t. Maybe Wiki just really hated Burrito and was looking for an excuse to try to guilt the moblin into getting rid of it. Who knew.

He locked the door before spinning around. He jumped back, slamming against the wooden frame. Wiki turned her head slightly and Spaghet adjusted his glasses.

“I… “ He began. “… I … I’ll be honest, Wiki, I had forgotten you were here.”

False. Absolutely false. No one could forget when Wiki was in their home. Who could forget a rat infestation when it rears its ugly head in their home? He just.. was a bit taken aback. It was weird to see Wiki in that outfit. Not because it was obscene (( )), but because it brought back some memories he hadn’t realized he had even kept around in his brain.

That nightgown was old. Way old. She had left it here – Goddesses, how long had it been since he had moved into this place? Nearly a decade now. He remembered nights when Wiki wasn’t living in caves, when she wasn’t dodging his letters. When she was staying over, night after night as she did her little.. street performances by day.

Back when she insisted being around him. He recalled her reaction, back when she had first heard about him moving away. How she begged him, pleaded with him to let her move in because she just wanted an excuse to get away from her parents. Of course, Spaghet said no. Getting into a permanent living arrangement with Wiki was not a wise decision, especially when one had the stresses of being a Bokoblin in a college made for Hylians, with text books in a dialect he wasn’t used to, with new rules to learn and legal cases to memorize.

So she started sending him letters. In each one she’d beg to come visit. Say that she wanted to see him. Finally, eventually, after she had left her parents house, he let her come crash on her floor when she was in town. By now, Wiki was pretty deep into her nomadic lifestyle… but he was pretty sure she took better care of herself back then. A slight smile crossed his face. He .. he hadn’t gotten a proper bed until late into his schooling, and his parents wanted to be sure he had his own place to live. It’s not like they couldn’t afford it, they did, they paid for what they could, considering their other expenses, it was just that.. Spaghet never really minded sleeping on the floor. Neither did Wiki. Beds were pretty optional for the man .. of course they were heavily preferred.

“… Uh,” Wiki said, breaking the silence. Spaghet shook his head. He had spaced out. “Thanks again, man.”

“It's fine,” Spaghet sighed. No it wasn't. It really wasn't. He glanced over at the Deku scrub standing in the middle of his house. He glanced at her hand, still holding his mirror, and then up to her face. “… It doesn't look that bad, really.”

“Bullshit,” Wiki yelled, chucking the mirror at Spaghets face. The moblin caught it with a surprising display of dexterity.

“Watch it,” he hissed, rubbing the mirror's handle with the back of his shirt. “What if I hadn't caught it?”

“You did, didn't you?”

Spaghet sighed. Wiki was more usually work than worthwhile. Work. He had work in the morning. A low groan escaped him. There was no way he could skip tomorrow, it would be more than suspicious if he wasn’t there. He hadn’t been sleeping well the past few nights, and Wiki being here certainly wasn’t going to help. The rest of his clients crossed his mind. All the unfinished briefs he had to write up.

“… You really don't think it's that bad?”

“What?” Spaghet turned his attention back towards the woman. He furrowed his brow. “Of course not.” He wasn't lying. It wasn't awful. But her busted snout was probably going to be the first thing people would notice about her face now. Unfortunate.

“Thanks, man, I mean, I was never as hot as my mom but--”

“-- Wiki,” Spaghet said, flinching. “Please, she's your mother.”

“What?” Wiki said with a shrug. She began to pace around the room, inspecting random objects. Spaghet's lip curled every time she touched something. “She's my mom, therefore disgusting. But it's not weird if I admit that she's an attractive woman. I can see why my dad married her. It certainly wasn't because of her harmonious singing voice.” Wiki cackled. Spaghet grimaced. There was a reason why Mrs. Levett didn't talk very often..

“… as much as this conversation just enthralls me,” Spaghet said sarcastically, then sighed. “I just.. I should be going back to bed.” He wiped at his brow, a sudden weariness overcoming him.

“Yeah,” Wiki said suddenly. “Yeah, yeah sleep’s fine. I know I need it.”

Spaghet felt his heart rate slow. He inhaled deeply, trying to clear his mind of what he needed to do tomorrow. He looked around the room. Wiki still stuck out like a sore thumb, even with her old, albeit patched, cleaned, and ridiculously well taken care of nightgown on.

Before walking over to his bed, he spotted Wiki’s old cloak and his lip curled. He dashed towards it, picking it up and throwing it into his laundry bin. So messy. So obnoxious. Spaghet made sure turn off his oil lamp before taking off his robe. There was absolutely no way he was going to allow Wiki to se—oh Din dammit she could see in the dark. His face curled in annoyance, realizing he had already hung his robe beside his bed.

The only thing to do now was to hurriedly hop into bed minimize the time Wiki was allowed to scan his body over (which she certainly was doing, there was no doubt about that). He removed his glasses before quickly dashing under the covers. He closed his eyes, breathing in deeply. He fully expected Burrito to hop into his bed -- the spoiled brat – so the sudden weight on the frame didn’t disturb him. What did disturb him was the sudden, wooden body that had begun to spoon him.

“No!” Spaghet screamed and practically launched out of bed. “No! A-Absolutely not!”

Wiki stared at him, her glowing eyes obscenely bright. Sweat began to bead up on Spaghet’s brow. As his eyes began to slowly adjust in the darkness, he gulped. He could vaguely make out the outline of Wiki. She didn’t.. look hostile or angry. The moblin didn’t know if he should be more or less worried.

“… I mean, I figured, since you..” Wiki spoke softly. Her gaze lowered, the light emanating from her eyes making it impossible to ignore the way her eyes quickly darted away.

“N.. No Wiki,” Spaghet slowly said, beginning to uncurl his body. He… wow, he didn’t even know he could take up that small of an amount of space. “I’m serious, you can’t sleep up here.” Wiki’s eyes slowly scanned over the moblin. The longer her eyes traced over his body, the more he began to shake. He probably would have pulled the covers up – if Wiki hadn’t jumped the opposite way of the pillow, taking the covers with her. When Wiki began to feel Spaghet’s trembling herself, she grumbled and hopped off the bed. Thankfully, she left the covers and the moblin was quick to grab them and recover his exposed body.

She looked around, finding a stack of blankets in the corner of the room. She scurried over to it before burrowing in them. Spaghet frowned. He glanced over towards his drapes.. he sort of wished he had invested in better ones so he didn’t have to witness Wiki making a nest.

Spaghet sighed, curling back up under the covers. He didn’t want to know what time it was. He was already comfortably warm and there was no way he was leaving these blankets. The Bokoblin flinched when he felt something hop up on his bed… only to be greeted with the familiar paws of his dog. He cursed. Wiki really was the worst. For all he knew, she had adopted the trait of circling around like a dog before going to sleep.

“Spaghet?”

A cold chill shot through his body, and Spaghet instinctively recoiled under the sheets. He did not want to be proven correct. Not right now. But as the raspy voice continued to speak, he realized that it did not emanate from his bed, but from the blankets in the basket of the corner of the room.

“… … sorry.”

Despite the blankets and bedding and comforts he was surrounded with, Spaghet felt oddly cold.

The Deku grumbled. She had been dealing with Spaghet making noise in his sleep for the better part of twenty minutes now. She exchanged glances with the dog who was looking at his Master worriedly before going back to her journal.

She nearly fell out of Spaghet’s chair when he screamed. It woke him up, and he began squawking and making some other dreadful noises as he clutched at his chest. She stopped writing in her giant journal for a second to watch Spaghet absolutely spazz out. If she had lips she’d probably be pursing them. Gross.

When the moblin finally calmed down (and Burrito had stopped barking, the little shit), Wiki crossed her arms.

“Have fun?” she asked, clearly upset that Spaghet had disturbed her writing. The moblin’s eyes shot towards the direction of the noise before slowly turning towards her. Wiki’s brows furrowed. Shit. She knew that face, grim as always. Spaghet was never very good at handling his nightmares… or hiding his emotions. “How bad was it?” Wiki looked around the room. “Scale of one to ten.”

Spaghet stared at Wiki, his jaw dropping a bit. He … he had forgotten that she was here, to be honest. Once he felt the lump in his throat dissipate enough to the point where he could talk, he croaked out a word.

“Seven,” he said. Wiki flinched. “Easily.”

“Shit man,” Wiki quickly burrowed herself back into her book. “Can you go back to sle—“

“—N-No,” Spaghet said, wrapping himself back up with the blankets. “Absolutely not.”

Wiki glanced at him. Spaghet was weird. Wiki didn’t… she… well she remembered her dreams a lot at certain times in her life. Whenever she was with Spaghet she.. well she tended to sleep a lot more than she did when she was alone. Plus, her dreams always seemed a lot more vivid when she was around the moblin. It was… weird. Unfortunately, tonight was not one of those nights. Two hours of sleep. She was good for another twenty.

Spaghet… well there were a lot of things that could be said about Spaghet at this moment in time. He was still shaking, but it wasn’t as bad as before. Burrito was quiet. Wiki was… also oddly quiet. All he could hear were the occasional odd mumbles and scribbles as she wrote.

The dream was vivid. Incredibly so. He… he wasn’t sure about going to work today. The thought of having to actually perform a task right now was almost as frightening as the dream. Almost. But… the thought of going to jail probably trumped both of those. Spaghet was going to work today. Spaghet couldn’t afford not to go to work today.

He breathed deeply, counting to ten before recalling the dream. He couldn’t help it. Even though he wanted to forget about it, there was no way he was going back to sleep… but there was also no way he was leaving this bed. The choices he made. The life he lived.

Of course he had dreamt about Wiki. Of course. The little rat was in his house. Shit. The thought crossed his mind that she had learned the same magic that he had long ago. He began to sweat. No way. The Deku was worse at song than him. She couldn’t play an instrument if her life depended on it.

The first thing to go was her hair. She didn’t mind it. Leaves were always such a pain in the ass anyways, she had said. Kept it short enough to keep her head warm and suck out some sun when she couldn't find a cat she had told him, but that was as long as it went. She minded when the leg went, though.

And then he watched her. He was there. He stood inches from her. He looked down at her face and she smiled at him. The pale yellow parts of his eyes reflected her wicked grin. She was happy.

“I hope I die, Spaghet,” she cackled. The moblin’s body stiffened. He felt the words travel through his spine, making his tail stiffen. “It’ll be really funny, too. Final stick in your eye, wasting my decades when you probably only have years left.” He shook his head. He was living until 50. He.. he was living until 50. Maybe even 55, if he played his cards right.

Spaghet looked down at her. Her body looked old and haggard as the invisible force chopped away at her wood. His eyes widened. He felt… he felt extraordinarily insignificant. A thought he had been plagued with since his birth. Wiki.. well if Wiki played her cards right, would live for centuries. Would she? Who knew. Probably not, she'd end up pissing someone off soon and they'd probably decide to off her for good. It was something that always pissed Spaghet off. How dare she waste the precious gift of time?! Her father was a hundred and seventy. He had set up the Yettin account personally. With his grandfather. Wiki was older than he was, and hardly at a forth of her life. Spaghet felt anger growing within him. A common result after a nightmare featuring Wiki.

The gore or her insults wasn’t what upset Spaghet. He was used to dreams like this, his friends and family chopped up by some unseen force. Hell, it was common for Wiki to bitch at him while she exited his life. Sometimes, after fights with her, he was glad for these dreams. He glanced down at the Deku and grimaced. Her arms were severed, but still she pointed at him. Gross.

She seemed unusually still and quiet for a dream like this. She turned towards him, scraps of her old and tattered body leaking sap. Spaghet turned away. He didn’t need this.

“… … I’m gonna miss you, Spaghet,” she suddenly said, her voice cracking. The moblin stood still. “I’m gonna… I’m gonna miss you a lot.”

Spaghet’s body once again turned cold. The previous heat he had felt from his growing anger vanquished. Wiki.. Wiki had said things like this before. But never before had Spaghet.. had Spaghet felt exactly what she felt when she said it. He felt his nose begin to clog as he looked down at the Deku. He bit his lip.

He was happy Wiki was insane. He was glad his dreams were figments of his imagination, that the emotions he felt in his own head were his own and his alone. Her body was still, and in the accelerated time of his dream, a near husk. Thousands of years of decay in front of him in an instant.

Spaghet was alone.

--

The moblin laid in bed. He had gone over the dream in his head hundreds of times by now, and Wiki’s presence in his home wasn’t helping him to get his mind off of it. He still had an hour to kill before he needed to be at work. She had already helped herself to some of his books and Spaghet had been listening to her making notes in the sides of them for the past hour. He winced every time her quill hit the parchment.

“I really wish you wouldn’t do that,” Spaghet said from the pillow after a few minutes of listening to her scribble. “I use those, you know.”

“Yeah, but you’re wrong,” Wiki said flatly and without not looking up.

“What?”

“You’re wrong,” she continued. “You got a note in the side that you wrote, but you messed it up, your.. your logic is dumb.” Spaghet frowned, but continued to listen. “Listen with .. with magic you can’t… you can’t just… augh …” she really wished Spaghet hadn’t wrote in ink. What an idiot. The man needed a pencil.

The moblin shook his head. Wiki.. was smarter than him. He had to admit that. She learned concepts a lot faster than he ever could, and things that would take her weeks took him months. Things that would take her months would take him years. He sighed. It was just another reason why he was upset about Wiki’s lifespan and how she chose to waste it.

“So are you going to tell me what you were dreaming about or what?” Wiki asked. Spaghet groaned. Always quick to the point.

“… Do you really want to know, or are you just asking to make fun of me?”

She stopped writing. The comment was enough to make Spaghet warrant her full attention. Before answering, Wiki cocked her head.

“… Listen Spaghet, I may be an asshole, but I'm not .. well I'm not a complete jerk, alright?” Wiki sighed. “Believe it or not, I actually care sometimes. Especially when its about the person who gives me clothes and lets me crash at their house for a night.” Her eyes lazily scanned the page she had been working on correcting, and then back to the moblin. He hadn't moved. She glanced down at the doodle she had made in the corner and grinned. .. Spaghet probably wouldn't have appreciated it.

The mound of blankets slowly began to move. He sighed, rubbing at his nose and snorting before stretching. Wiki didn't pay much attention. She was back to being engrossed in the book Spaghet had only half finished reading. The book's subject matter didn't even entail anything about practice of magic, just theory. Wiki loved it. Spaghet … not so much.

“I want you out before I get home,” he said, finally throwing off his covers. He hurried towards his dresser. “I’m serious.”

“Hey, Hey!” Wiki said looking up from her book. “You can’t just throw me out!”

“Why not?!” He snapped, throwing on his clothes. He didn’t care if Wiki saw him in his underwear at this point. Tomorrow he was wearing pajamas to bed. Wait, no, Wiki would be out by tomorrow, there would be no need. He would be sure of it. “It’s my home! You’re a criminal, Wiki! I… I could call the guards right now!” He tried to sound intimidating, but he was tired and it clearly showed. He sighed. Spaghet threw on a shirt and began to button it. Wiki could stay or go. Fighting with her was usually more trouble than it was worth. He figured that whatever she wanted to do, she’d do, and he’d have to put up with it like he usually did.

“Because, Spaghet, I.. I don’t really have anywhere else to go,” Wiki said with a shrug. Sometimes, talking to the moblin was like talking to someone from another universe. He was spacey as hell. She had already explained this to him. “… … I promise you man, I won’t get you in trouble. What’s that old saying.. it’s not breaking the law if no one knows you’re doing it?”

Spaghet’s lip curled to the point where one could see his gumline. He was so tired of Wiki’s twisted sense of logic. He stretched the law, sure, but he warped it within he believed to be its limits. This was outside of his comfort zone. Wiki was.. always a little bit outside of his comfort zone. Spaghet’s heart began to beat faster. He felt like he was going to vomit. He rushed towards his bed, grabbing the bucket he kept beside it. Wiki's eyes went wide as the moblin's head dove for a bucket and she rushed over to assist him.

“Jeez man,” Wiki said. She laughed as she pat his back. Spaghet continued to upchuck. “I didn't think I was that intolerable.”

He waved off the Deku, pushing her away as he coughed and gagged. The moblin needed space. His entire body quaked as he held onto the sides of the bucket. He didn't want to go to work today. He didn't want to stay home either. There was literally nothing he could do. He was stuck. Spaghet was jostled from his thoughts by Wiki's rough, wooden hand grabbing his chin and wiping at his mouth with a dishrag. He sputtered, but didn't push her away. After she was done wiping his face she handed him the rag. He took it and went back to staring at the bottom of the metal bin. Wiki rolled her eyes. Useless. She sat next to him on the ground beside his bed.

“… you were in it,” Spaghet said after awhile.

“I knew it,” Wiki said. She chuckled. “Nothing makes you vomit like a dream with Wikitoria Levett.”

He couldn't help but smile, but it quickly faded. He didn't vomit because of the dream, but she probably knew that. Spaghet appreciated her attempt at a joke anyway.

“… I… I really don't want to talk about it though,” Spaghet said before he slowly moved the bucket out of the way. He'd deal with that later. The moblin looked down at Wiki from his sitting position on the bed. The Deku scrub stared absentmindedly at the other side of the room for before she replied.

“.. Alright,” she finally said. The moblin felt his shoulders relax. “… you got like an hour before work though, right?” How did Wiki still remember his schedule?

“.. I suppose I do.”

“Can we just .. y'know, shit... talk?”

“...”

–---

“I like your family a lot, Spaghet.”

“Please, Wiki, I know you just tolerate them.”

“Nah man, I'm serious. They're great. Not like my pansy ass parents or the rest of my family.”

“… They're family.”

“Oh come on! They're great.”

“… If they're in a town for a show, I'll probably have to travel to said town's jail the next morning after one of them got into a fight somewhere. But they're family. … I owe a lot to them.”

“Yeah, like half the broken ribs in your life.”

“...”

“… It's alright, pretty sure you broke Jimbub's nose like twice.”

“… Jimbub can't have children because of you.”

“Spaghet please.”

“Alright, so, you know like, one song, right? To talk to your old grandparents and shit? … ... Well, parents now too, I guess.”


“… Correct.”


“… So if you wanted to sue someone who had died could you do it?”


“N-No Wiki, that's literally the dumbest thing I've ever heard.”


“Why not?!”


“Because they're dead! I-It's not like they have money!”



“… yes but could you technica--”



“Wiki.”


----


His desk was extraordinarily messy when he arrived. Spaghet scowled, pulling out his chair violently and shuffling papers that his colleagues had thrown onto his desk haphazardly into a neat pile. Wiki had made him late, although he hated to admit that he wasn't as mad as he probably should have been. It was easy to lose track of time when the convict hiding out in your home had some decent stories to tell and was good at making conversation. It didn't help that Spaghet liked telling her his tales as well. He sighed and glanced back at the papers. He would deal with those later, right now he wanted to settle in, grab some coffee, and—

“Ah, Yettin! Good to see you.”

Oh no. He turned around, struggling to place the name of this particular coworker. Who was this man again?! Spaghet.. Spaghet didn’t really know. He was a Hylian, had worked here for two months, four children, used to have a wife… Spaghet began to run details in his mind. Why couldn’t he place his name?!

“H-Hello,” the moblin stammered, pushing up his glasses. He tried to look busy, but really he was lost in his head. He quickly looked up at the man and offered him a nervous smile. “Y-Your morning, I’m assuming it’s going well?”

“You bet,” the man said. Spaghet smiled, listening to and absorbing the details of the man’s evening. If he was being honest, he didn’t care. The moblin invested himself in the lives of his Hylian coworkers purely at face value. It was easy to place the details in the numbers, to remember birthdays with the help of a calendar, and on days where the night before Spaghet got some sleep he was quite good at names. But it wasn’t like he would ever be invited to these people’s homes for dinner. No one brings their Bokoblin coworker home, only stories about him. Spaghet suddenly became quite aware of how he was sitting and did his best to straighten his back.

“—So your client escaped from jail last night, huh?”

Spaghet’s false smile only widened as he looked up. So, the truth of what this man really wanted to talk about came out. The sweat under his wig was unbearable at this point. He hesitated a bit before speaking. Luckily, he caught himself before he immediately mentioned Wiki’s name.

“W-Who?” Spaghet asked. He.. he did have many clients. “Which one?”

The man scratched at his chin. Spaghet’s smile softened, but only because the man’s hesitation in being able to recall a name meant good things for him. He didn’t have as much of a reason to be anxious.

“The… “ The man began before snapping his fingers. “The angry vagrant! Yeah! That one! … no wonder your desk was covered with papers this morning.”

Spaghet flinched. He was not this guy’s buddy… and Wiki had gotten him into more trouble yet again. A low grumble escaped Spaghet and the man began to look ill at ease. The moblin glanced up, realizing his reaction must have been large enough to have been noticeable.

“I…” he began. “Sorry, I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

“Ah,” the Hylian noticeably relaxed. “I know the feeling.”

“We all do.”

Of course Wiki still there when Spaghet got home. He closed his eyes. Maybe if he imagined her away hard enough, the Goddesses would bless him and make her disappear. He hoped. He prayed. He opened his eyes.

“Hey Spaghet.”

Great. He rolled back his shoulders, tossed his coat onto the rack and sat at his small table. Looking down at it, he noticed that.. it was surprisingly clean, except for Wiki’s stupid journal across the way. The moblin glanced over to Wiki and she squinted at him. He looked back to the table. At least he wouldn’t have to clean. A smile escaped him and he instantly regretted it, as the Deku took it as a sign to join him at the table.

“So,” she began, flipping through her book. “Ready to talk about that dream?”

“I’m not going to tell you,” he said, grumbling. “It’s a mystery.” Spaghet flipped through his mail and ruffled Burrito’s fur. The dog had begun to circle around the table and was running around and trying to get attention from the two of them. Wiki just tried her best to ignore the thing. It slept when Spaghet was gone, but as soon as that useless Bokoblin walked in the door it became an obnoxious piece of shit.

“Bullshit,” Wiki said, beginning to pull out… an extensive amount of paperwork. Spaghet’s brow raised. “No one else will take me on, Spaghet. You’ve never stood up for yourself in your personal life, I really doubt you have the ability to do so in a, y’know, more professional setting.” Spaghet ripped the next letter he opened. His eye twitched. Wiki just loved pushing buttons, didn’t she?

The Deku stopped talking, rustling through the papers she had pulled out of her book. It was a different color from the last time Spaghet had seen it, but he couldn’t tell if it was due to age or if she had replaced her journal as she had done in the past. He didn’t linger on the thought for long. Wiki began to unfold a large piece of paper, Spaghet’s eyes following her movements. His eyes quickly noticed that she had pulled out her family tree.

“See, here’s your… account,” Wiki said, pointing to an extraordinarily small piece of the very extensive map. There was a very large cluster of names surrounding and connected around a picture of the account's founder. The Deku shot a look of disgust as she examined the piece of parchment. Although her parents were disgusting hippies, they were… disgusting hippies who also really knew their shit. The only thing that Wiki ever liked about her parents was that they both loved skirting rules as much as she did.

Turns out there are a few financial laws in Deku culture one can circumvent by.. ‘modifying’ ones family tree. Since most Deku scrubs had no interest in ever tainting their bloodline, what the Levetts did was… well, it made a lot of people know about them. That was for sure. You didn’t even have to marry people off. You could just absorb them into your tree if you really wanted to. Stupid Dekus. Honestly, if their kingdom collapsed, it probably would be because their laws were ridiculous and the people who made them were often insane.

The Levetts themselves usually had only one or two children, but their “bloodline” was extensive, including various races, classes, and creeds. Wiki shivered. Disgusting people.

“And here's me,” she said. She pointed to her name on the map with her other hand, the picture above it scribbled out long ago. Spaghet smiled softly not at Wiki's scratched out portrait, but her mother's pristine one. The moblin was filled with memories of the woman's generosity and kindness. Her husband was a very lucky man. Speaking of, he glanced over to the stern looking man next to her on the tree. Mr. Levett was .. an interesting fellow. The main Levett line consisted of a small amount of people, Wiki and her mother the only ones with proper necks.

“Ok, so, here’s you,” Wiki said and the moblin was once again knocked out of his thoughts. She pointed to his small printed name Spaghet's eyes lingered on the lines that connected him and his various family members. Names were missing. Not all of his relatives had their funds managed by the Levetts. “And here’s my offer.” Spaghet’s ears perked up. “Listen, I don't… have much I can give to you that you'd really want.” Spaghet shrugged. She wasn't wrong. “But.. If you start a case against that chick, the … y'know, Commander Tits 'n Ass, the one I told you about, I don't know, anything to just… get me out of the trial for a little bit and buy me some time, if you do that, I’ll, wow, I can almost feel the bile coming up, I'll, uh, 'properly absorb you into the family line', so to speak.”

If he was drinking any sort of liquid, it would have been spit out. Instead, Spaghet’s mouth did the same motion.. but instead of spraying liquid only laughter flowed out of his mouth. Wiki’s eyes began to narrow. Her fists curled. The moblin clutched at his sides. He hadn’t heard an idea so stupid in the longest time, and it had been a long while since he had laughed so hard. He began to snort, and he quickly covered his mouth and nose. It didn’t silence the noise, however, as Spaghet was still overcome with laughter. Finally, he spoke, small giggles still emanating from him.

“W-Wiki,” He stammered, trying to calm himself down. “Y-You can’t be serious.” He smiled widely. Spaghet did appreciate the scrub's humor sometimes. “You'd rather marry me than go to trial?” He began to sputter and laugh again. Hilarious.

“I’m?! I am serious!” Wiki screamed. She slammed her fists down on the table and Spaghet continued to laugh. Burrito wagged his tail under the table. The moblin wiped at his eyes before he got up, the waves of laughter finally subsiding. He walked over to one of his cabinets and got out a kettle… before glancing a different one entirely. Spaghet stole a quick glance over his shoulder before putting back the metal pot and darting over to the liquor cabinet. He grabbed a small spot of something light, knowing in an instant where everything was. Maybe it wouldn’t offend Wiki as much if it wasn't something that would make him completely incoherent by the end of the night. He closed the cabinet and Wiki’s gaze met his. Wrong again.

“N-NO!” Wiki had stood up in the chair to point out her place on the family tree, so it was easy enough for her to begin stomping her feet. “You’re not making fun of me and then drinking!” She slammed her hand on the back of the chair and Spaghet took a swig. It only riled her up more. Spaghet chugged as much as he could stomach on his way over, sliding back into his chair.

The Deku looked furious. And she was, of course. But Spaghet had no idea why she had suggested such a genuinely stupid idea. He knew what she was getting at, but it’s not like Spaghet would ever agree to it. It’s not like her parents would ever agree to it. The Deku cocked an eyebrow at him as Spaghet’s face soured. Although Wiki's parents were kind people and were quite fine with “messing up” their legal bloodline in the name of bigger profits … the thought of a non-Deku actually tainting their bloodline probably terrified them. Probably. Spaghet knew both of Wiki's parents rather well. They were wonderful people. But he couldn't help but wonder why Wiki … wasn't. It had to have come from somewhere.

Also, again, why would Wiki ever think he would agree to something like that. Spaghet would rather be thrown into the Twilight Realm for seventeen lifetimes than marry Wiki for whatever time he had left of this one, even if it was just in name. He was not going to die with that as his legacy.

“Spaghet, you’re stupid, so I’ll spell it out for you,” Wiki said, tapping on the parchment in front of him. Spaghet rolled his eyes, he wasn’t that stupid, but he heard Wiki out regardless. “I have literally zero intention of ever, ever getting married on my own. … Or having kids.” Both of them shivered. The idea of Wiki having a child was not to be discussed. “I don’t care, you have family. You probably have a favorite brother, or sister, or whatever. Who knows. But, who do you think gets my parent's shit when they both kick the bucket?” Wiki’s eyes shot up at him. “This one,” she said, pointing to herself. “Right here.”

“Do you really think your parents are going to give you anything after the way you treat them?” Spaghet retorted, scratching at his cheek. “Wiki, when was the last time you even spoke to them?”

“Yesterday,” Wiki spat. “Thanks for asking.” The moblin knew she was talking shit. “But really, the idiots love me. It’s not like I’m the one who keeps paying your legal fees.”

Spaghet tapped one of his pointed fingers on the table. He looked back up at Wiki. It would have been a lie to say they both hadn’t discussed topic before. The Deku was always looking for new ways to try to give her parents a heart attack, and marrying him would… well that’d certainly be a thing.

“Your dad could outlive me, I'm certain your mother will,” Spaghet said quietly. Being around Wiki was making him think about his mortality way too often. “Even if I said yes, it's not like I'd see the money.”

“I'd kill 'em.”

“Wiki.”

“Fine, fine,” Wiki said sheepishly. “I was joking, seriously. Shit man.” Spaghet rolled his eyes. “Dad's sick and it's not like I don't know how to milk my mom for literally anything I want. You'd see rupees, Spaghet. A lot.”

The moblin's brows furrowed. “… Your father's sick?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah man, didn't you know?” Wiki said, her eyes growing wide. The Deku lived in a cave for a few weeks and hadn't spoken to her dad in .. nearly a year now. Shit. But even she knew that old pop pop didn't have much time left. Her mom had sent a letter to the jail she had broken out of a few months ago. Maybe her dad was dead. “Shit, wait, he's still alive, right?”

“Y-Yes! Of course,” Spaghet sputtered. Wiki cocked an eyebrow at his quick response. Spaghet sighed. He was caught. “… he sent a letter to me just last week,” Spaghet said cautiously. Letters. He looked towards a basket on his desk filled with letters to be filed. Another thing on the to do list.

“It's so gross that they write to you,” Wiki said, crossing her arms. She rolled her eyes. “It's even worse that you write back.”

“Wiki please,” Spaghet snapped. His voice softened “... It'd be rude not to.”

“So, enough side tracking, Spaghet, what's your answer?”

The moblin flinched. He had forgotten about Wiki's ridiculous proposal, mostly because he didn't take it seriously. The moblin honestly thought that she was joking. The Deku had to have known that Spaghet would never agree to it. Why would she even offer? So, he was quite sure she was joking or at this offer was part of a larger scheme. The idea of having her name tied to his when she died, written in stone … well, that was something Wiki wouldn’t be able to handle. She was the most intolerant, xenophobic, and genuinely nasty person Spaghet had ever met.

“… … What’s the catch, Wiki?” Spaghet asked. Although there was no way he would agree, he was still curious. There was always a catch with her. Whenever she could, the Deku always made sure collected the entire pot.

“No catch,” Wiki said, throwing up her hands. Spaghet couldn’t help but glance at her finger again. “Seriously. Fuck it man, I live like a hobo. I’d even give you more of my share. I don’t care. You’re my best friend. And I’m… I’m really sorry for treating you like shit all of these years.”

The moblin sighed and stopped tapping his finger. No matter what he did, he lost. He slowly looked over his one room home. Although his family was semi-famous, they weren’t as rich as the Levetts. They had a lot of mouths to feed and other… expenses. So, it was easy to convince his parents to send him to law school, considering his brothers and sisters and cousins were always getting into legal trouble. In fact, it was a hell of lot easier to convince his parents to spend the rupees than it was to convince the admittance board to let him attend. He looked over Wiki. She was watching him intently.

“… So Wiki, it seems like you really have reached the bottom of the barrel when it comes to your assets,” he sighed. “… I can't imagine how low you're having to scrape when all you can really offer is something that really isn't even yours to give,” Spaghet slowly said. Wiki let out a noise of annoyance but otherwise remained silent. He had stopped tapping his claw at this point. “Wiki, your name is toxic. There's a reason why whenever you helped out with the lyrics for any songs the band left your name off. It's the reason why that stupid paper you wro--”

“Hey! HEY!” Wiki suddenly interrupted, but for once Spaghet didn't recoil. “That thing was great, alright? No, wait, it was perfect. 'Why The Goddesses Don't Love You'.” Wiki held up her hands and stared off into space. She was surely recalling something awful. “I was going to add the subtitle of 'Also An Analysis of Why Every Other Religion is Wrong Especially Those Stupid Deku Gods' but …”

“Yes, it was… certainly a thing,” Spaghet sighed. There was a reason why no one would ever publish it. … Mostly because Wiki wrote it. Who wanted to be associated with her? Spaghet glanced at her current endeavor. Although the piece of work was terrible, it wasn't… the worst thing he had ever read. It was certainly ... sourced correctly. However, knowing that Wiki wrote the paper partly to piss people off soured the reading experience for him. Also, who really wanted to read thirty pages of Wiki ranting? The paper was, in her words, “even if they were really worth worshiping, or if they exist, or if they aren't pieces of shit, the Goddesses only listened to Hylians”. No one wanted to read about that. Certainly not Spaghet. Wiki was great at short pieces of work, like poetry. Everything else she wrote tended to bleed more Wiki than was ever tolerable to read.