A Fated Meeting

Gerard Ramenda - Tsubori (Power Beam +5 rupees)
TJ Fireslap - Tsubori (Pegasus Boots [Pony kicks])
Ilona Raquel - Blonde Panther (Clawshot and -20 rupees)

Pretty basic day for Theta squad. They're told to rush a heavily guarded base of Moblins and Bokoblins and to clear it out. Simple right? Especially when they get backup in the form of Ilona Raquel. But will it be as easy as they say? It's already done, and I'm the one who wrote the plot, so of course not!

http://forums.hyrulecastle.org/viewtopic.php?f=53&t=1022

First off, before I start addressing individuals. Remember that here, Link is the Hero of Legends, a man unsurpassed in skill and power. For a character to blaze through enemies easier than a fully equipped Link does... well, it doesn't follow. Just be careful on how you write combat, I guess.

Tsu, you asked me to look at some other stuff, but before I get into the optional stuff, there is one thing that I would like to bring up for your future threads: your characters' swearing. It's not even contained to a specific character, which would still be bad; it's actually in most of the characters I'm seeing. In reading this (and other) threads, I'm taken aback by the number of vulgarities you include in nearly every post. Rule #10 states quite clearly that swearing should be kept at a minimum; in the future please bear in mind that this is largely a PG-lowPG13 site. Cussing like the sort your characters are so frequently doing is simply not acceptable.

Alright, now for the response to your request. You can ignore it if you like, but it's here if you want it.

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Power Beam was a little... ehhhh. I'm not going to fail you for it, since you're usually really good at RP'ing your rewards in, but this was a little skimpy. It consisted of Gerard wondering when he was going to use a move he had learned off-screen, and Gerard later casually using the move he learned off-screen. Again, I won't fail you for it, but in the future... I'm not worried, since you're usually pretty good with it.

You seemed to concentrate more on quantity than on quality. There was a lot going on in these pages, but because not much space was given to anything, all the events were fleeting and didn't really stick. It felt like you would have done better to pick a few events to really concentrate on and explore, instead of taking a few seconds to mention something and move on to a new thing. It just felt like everything was skimmed over.

On a similar note, there were way too many characters here for my comfort. The three main characters here were Gerard, TJ, and Ilona. Yet, somehow, there were so many others present that there wasn't really much interaction between the three at all. It felt very muddled. Remember what I said earlier about so much happening in so few sentences? This exacerbated the problem, in that now there were more people added into those few sentences, in addition to many actions. Slowing down the pace of the story by adding in more detail and allowing the reader / other person to comprehend what's going on may be a good idea in this case. If you don't want to pick a few events to focus on, it may be a good idea to just describe what's going on more so the reader knows what's going on.

This thread is passed. Claim your rewards, update your sheets and signatures, and move on.