Brigands, Bandits, and Outlaws, oh my!

Discussion in 'Completed RPs' started by Knight_of_G, Jul 2, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Fcgfyv

    Fcgfyv Knight of Mind reg

    Messages:
    422
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Those were words Baron wanted to hear. His dark silhouette as barely visible, surprisingly, with his brisk but crouched walking to the opposite side of the fortress. He positioned himself behind some bushes and let loose an arrow on the guard on his left tower. He quickly readied another arrow as the other guard turned to observe his comrade taking an arrow to his skull. The soldier's shout turned into a scream as a barbed arrow tore into his side, knocking him over.

    The plan was pretty genius, after some thought from Baron. The sudden attack would send the whole camp into a panic, and all of the focus would be on his side of the fortress, while any soldiers would either be hurrying to prepare for battle or slept through what had already happened. That should lead Alaine, Blake, and Ethelia—Baron gave himself a nod of success for remembering her name—to pick off some soldiers on the outside, giving Baron some wiggle room. Then either everyone could sneak through the crack, or divide between the main gate and the crack, eliminating any way for the bandits to escape. For now, Baron drew his sword and prepared for the soldiers closest to him to draw near, and hoped he could survive a direct attack long enough for his teammates to support him.
  2. Knight_of_G

    Knight_of_G Member reg

    Messages:
    309
    Trophy Points:
    18
    The first sentry didn't have time to react. Alaine's sword caught him in the throat. The blade sank halfway through before the body fell over from the force, where it came off the blade with a shlp noise. The second one reacted when she was too close for him to do anything. He sounded the alarm to the other sentries in the moving group. Her sword got stuck in his skull, but she kicked the dying man off before it became a problem.

    She jumped back to avoid a thrust lance, grabbed just under the head and yanked towards herself. Her left arm brought the sword up to his approaching throat. His eyes, in the torchlight, widened. The blade impacted. She slid it through the side of his neck, letting him fall behind her. Jumped back again, avoided a falling sword blade.

    "You BITCH! THAT WAS MY BROTHER!" The blade came again. Alaine stepped back, parried the ferocious swing of his massive longsword. Duck. Sidestep. Step in. Thrust, she told herself, following through soon after. Alaine was close enough to this fourth dying man to be embracing him. Her crimson longsword's blade was coming out of his back.

    With a sort of melancholy and a sort of frigidness, she said, "Find peace with him, then."

    She slid the sword out of him and let him fall on his back.

    The fifth sentry ran into the darkness. "So now it's begun," she muttered, looking to the fortress.
  3. Fcgfyv

    Fcgfyv Knight of Mind reg

    Messages:
    422
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Baron readied an arrow, and checked whether his knife was at his side or not. He got to save himself the trouble of moving the position of his knife, and stood up from behind the bush with arrow drawn. Both soldiers moved towards him side-by-side, and an arrow traveled the seven foot distance between him and the bandit on his right in almost an instant. The remaining guard was distracted by his comrade's wound just long enough for Baron to run at him and make a clean slice through his neck. The wounded soldier on his side saw an opportunity to do some major damage before his time as up, and despite a barbed arrow in his chest, mustered the strength to horizontally lunge his axe at Baron. Although the end result for him was a face full of dirt, his swing was enough to cut Baron's side. Baron recoiled, and he stabbed the guard's back for revenge.

    Gasping for air, Baron clutched his wound to regain his bearings, and let a series of profane words escape his lips. A bandit attempted to escape into the forest not too far away, but Baron reacted quickly enough to grab his knife and throw it at the survivor. His aim was off, but managed to strike the bandit in the ankle, and he fell to the ground almost like a deflating balloon. Baron got up, continuing to hold his side, and limped toward the wounded guard. He wouldn't be going anywhere, so Baron might as well have some fun with him. Hostages didn't always work, especially with bandits, but interrogations always did.
  4. Knight_of_G

    Knight_of_G Member reg

    Messages:
    309
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Alaine took a dropped torch, wound back her left arm, and hurled it at the castle. Of course, it fell short, but it landed in the grass surrounding the place, and while stone wouldn't burn, grass always would. The mercenary replaced her sword into her left hand and ran away from the light of the other torch just as she heard an arrow impact into the road. She smirked and kept running. She appeared again at one of the standing sentry stations, a mere 33 feet or so from the castle wall.

    The sentry was prepared, and as she charged, she had to roll to the side to protect against his chop. The man was experienced. The move was perfectly exact and balanced. Shaking her head to stop the dizziness that plagued her when she somersaulted, Alaine warily backed up.

    Big mistake.

    Three arrows planted themselves solidly inside her or her armor, one right after the other. Right thigh, left shin, right arm. She fell, missing a fourth one that would've struck her heart.

    The sentry moved forward slowly, letting his eyes adjust as she backed away. Soon, he was in the darkness with her, beyond torchlight and therefore help from arrows. Alaine gritted her teeth and pulled out the arrow that had thankfully only cut her shin. She broke the other two rather hurriedly, scooting backwards as the sentry had heard the breaking. At last, she pulled herself into a crouch, and as the man neared, thrust her sword.

    It pierced his throat, cutting off any chance of a scream.

    As he fell dead, Alaine looked to her own wounds. She tugged lightly on the arrow in her leg, and was pleasantly surprised to find out that the arrow had no barbs. She removed it with some ease. The third arrow was a going to be a bitch, though, barb or no. It had gone through her armor.
  5. Fcgfyv

    Fcgfyv Knight of Mind reg

    Messages:
    422
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Baron got down on his knee beside the bandit and removed the knife from the ankle. He wouldn't be walking on that for a while, so he didn't expect any resistance at all. He grabbed the sword beside the guard and chucked it into the woods, to get it out of the way. Now the fun began.

    "Tell me the secrets of the fort." Baron demanded harshly. The guard couldn't have been much older than a 19 year old man, and was bawling on the ground at the wound in his leg. This wouldn't be going anywhere. To speed things along, Baron pulled on the boy's hair, pulling his head back, and he said into his ear "You're going to tell me everything you know about the fort and your friends or you won't even see any light when you die." That got him to shut up, thankfully. The guard tried to say something—maybe even a good number of useful info—but he couldn't find a way to get the thoughts into words. After a half a minute of useless blubbering, the tears on his face were replaced with gore when Baron stood up and smashed his head. Well, it would be more accurate that everything on his face was replaced with gore. It didn't matter, they could lay siege to the fortress on their own. Baron hobbled his way over to Alaine, who was watching the new fire starting to grow around the fortress, as he slowly got more used to walking with his wound with each step.
  6. Knight_of_G

    Knight_of_G Member reg

    Messages:
    309
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Alaine gripped the arrow stub and yanked softly. She uttered a stream of profanities below her breath, but the arrowhead slowly came out with no trouble. "Damn lucky, that," she said, knowing that if any one of those had been barbed, she would've been unable to continue. Now, however, she would have little trouble. Alaine looked to the corpse of the man she'd slain, examining his belt, feeling around for anything useful there.

    She was in luck. He was packing some sort of healing cream on his right side. The mercenary gripped the stuff, ripped it off his belt, and undid the drawstring at the top of the bag. She put some on her gloved fingers, sticking them in the wounds she could reach. She could only close the skin of the arrow wound in her arm due to the rerebrace in the way.

    At last, once she was done, she stood, watching the fire she'd lit begin to burn. Alaine found Baron by her side, and asked him, "You ready to enter the crack you mentioned? Assuming we're not surrounded first?"
  7. Fcgfyv

    Fcgfyv Knight of Mind reg

    Messages:
    422
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Baron did a weak chuckle at her phrasing. "Do you mean by troops or that new fire?" He decided to leave the question rhetorical and move straight to answering her question. "The other entrance is over here." Baron slightly struggled to not lumber while leading Alaine to the crack. They arrived at the crack, and Baron turned to address her—gesturing towards the obvious crevice. "The bandits are well aware of the existence of this crack. I'd suggest that you go through quickly, and with a dagger or shortsword in case of any surprises on the other side." Baron removed the slightly blood-stained dagger from his belt and offered it to Alaine. "I'm not in top shape right now, so it's best you go first. You can take this if you don't have a suitable weapon. Just wait on the other side for me to make sure no one catches me off guard."
  8. Knight_of_G

    Knight_of_G Member reg

    Messages:
    309
    Trophy Points:
    18
    "Here," Alaine said, tossing him the healing salve. "I don't need it right now, considering I've already done so." She accepted the proffered dagger, sheathing her crimson longsword and re-drawing her shorter enchanted broadsword. "Not exactly perfect for indoor fighting, but it'll work well with your dagger," she mused. She barely fit through the hole, but she wedged herself into the crevice, scraping her armor on the cracked stones. The floor was several feet down, but she had handled worse.

    Alaine pushed herself through, landing on her feet with a thud.

    The mercenary looked around.

    The room was barely lit, but it was enough to see that she was in a cell. "The dungeon?" she whispered, frowning. There was a stone wall between her and the next cell, she presumed, considering the cells on the opposing walls operated on the same principle. "Clever, but not enough," Alaine said, reversing her grip on the dagger and walking towards the cell door...
  9. Fcgfyv

    Fcgfyv Knight of Mind reg

    Messages:
    422
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Baron examined the healing cream as Alaine wedged herself through the crack. Beats using a healer and leaving a trail, he thought, and it was certainly better than leaving it to get infected. Only a small amount came out of the bag—not enough to heal his wound completely. Nevertheless, he rubbed the cream in the wound until it was gone. A quick rush of fear went through him, realizing that the injury would heal naturally, but not as well as if with a healer or healing cream. But he quickly found a way to accept the fact, thinking that as long as it didn't impede him too much in the future, he could deal with the pain. Besides, he could walk almost perfectly fine after he used the cream now.

    Baron tossed the bag with the healing content drained into the fire, and having not heard any fighting or yelling from the crack, he too decided to enter. He had a much easier time making his way through than the mercenary, and had a graceful fall onto the ground. Rather, the initial impact was graceful, but he quickly dropped to one knee and clutched his side, as the fall had dealt a small pang to the injury. He noticed bars around him, but it was so dark in the room that he didn't see too much beyond them. So this is what the view looks like, he joked to himself a little. I'd rather not get used to it. Alaine was walking toward a section on the bars, probably the door to the cage/cell. Instead of objecting and offering to use his lockpick to get them out, he waited to see what trick she had up her sleeve.
  10. Blonde Panther

    Blonde Panther Not always sweet and delicate vet

    Messages:
    2,266
    Trophy Points:
    48
    3DS Friend Code:
    4270-0958-9582
    Overall:
    49 posts- ended prematurely, presumably due to Knight_of_G’s preoccupied schedule.
    Overall, this wasn’t a bad read. A simple premise, although worked out in a way that seemed to have potential up until it died. You all wrote very well, although in all my Obsessive-compulsive glory I have found things you could improve on- these are suggestions and friendly advice, not orders. In general, the RP flowed well as well, although the appearance of the Ylissean spy struck me as a little jarring. If there was one thing I would have liked to see differently in this thread, aside from it having died prematurely, it’s that I would advise to keep the OOC notes limited to the Discussion thread- it’s what it is for. There were too many OOC: sections in this for my liking- it broke the immersion.

    Your overall level gains may have turned out a little lower than you had expected, but I’m still a little wobbly in my grading- while your level gains are final, you can contact me if you want different weapon EXP or if you want more comments than I gave you. No levels were docked for characters dropping out or for the RP not being finished.


    Alaine (Knight_of_G):
    +3 levels, +4/5 Swords EXP
    In post #32, you used an asterisk to denote something you would explain later in an OOC note. I advise strongly against doing this- it pulls the reader out of the story and breaks immersion, more so than the myriad of OOC notes in your posts. On that note, post #34 was almost entirely out-of-character information. That’s what the discussion thread is for, and I hope I will not have to remind you of that in the future.
    At the beginning of the RP, with you starting off with two F-bombs in your opening post, I feared I would have to dock you levels and warn you for profanity. I’ve withheld some of your rewards for the incredible number of OOC notes, but as far as swearing went, I must applaud you for your restraint. Keep it in mind in the future, but if possible, try to substitute the F-bombs for something slightly less severe.
    Other than these things, I don't have much to say about your posts. You wrote well, as usual, and provided plenty of opportunity for the others to write with.

    Blake Ferrinson (Double_r111):
    Double, I’m going to ask you to put a link to Blake’s profile into your signature.
    +3 levels, +1/5 Swords EXP
    While there’s nothing wrong with your posts themselves, I’d like to advise you to not literally copy the spoken lines of other characters, especially if they’re long like the one you copied in post #10. Referencing back to the line instead makes your post less redundant to read. For the same reason, you could try using reference words here and there instead of typing names over and over again- to refer to Blake you could use ‘the thief’ or ‘the blonde’ instead of ‘Blake.’
    As I said, other than technical details there’s nothing wrong with your posts, but they don’t really stand out either. I don’t have too much to say about them, unfortunately, but I may be able to answer some direct questions if you have them. Good job.

    Baron Quickveil (Fcgfyv):
    Fcgfyv, I’m going to ask you to reconsider the color you’re using for Baron’s spoken dialogue. It’s kind of a pain to read with the background color.
    +3 levels, +3/5 Swords EXP, +2/5 Bows EXP
    As friendly advice on your writing in general, try to keep in mind the tense you’re working in. You seem to fall from past tense into present tense at apparently random from time to time.
    To get more into WHAT you wrote as opposed to HOW you wrote it, I’m impressed. Your attention to detail, such as the comments about the warm tent in post #26, was notable, and you kept Baron’s motives consistent- especially in his lack of care for his companions. The same goes for your attention to detail, such as his concerns over getting anything else than real gold and actually going as far as to check it in the middle of the mission.
    On the whole your posts were the most pleasant to read, so kudos to you. Your level gains have turned out lower than you may have hoped because Baron is a second tier- second tiers can only gain 3 levels out of a single thread.

    Ethelia Sreda Cervickovska (Kei):
    Kei, the same goes for you as for Double. Please put a link to Ethelia’s profile into your signature. On a similarly technical note, like Fcgfyv, you may want to reconsider the color you’re using for Ethelia’s dialogue. The background for the site makes it a hassle to read.
    +3 levels, +2/5 Lances EXP
    Be careful of using sentences that are too long. Take your second paragraph in post #19: that entire paragraph is one sentence. While grammatically speaking proper, it is far from comfortable reading. Please be mindful of this in the future.
    That being said, for a big lover of Pegasus Knights such as myself, your posts were a joy to read. You conveyed her profession very well, even without Neige’s presence for much of the RP, and your combat posts, few though they were, were very fitting of the class. So on that note, I’d like to say keep up the good work. (Should you ever want to go into more detail on the equestrian part of the class, you know where to find me.)

    Supports:
    None were requested, but if you want it, Ethelia/Alaine C is approved.
    Contact me in case you decide you want any more.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.